I just spent the last thirty minutes or so reading a blog site that I use to read daily. It’s a site that a former friend of mine writes. And after spending time reading her latest post, I know remember why we are former friends. The self absorbedness of her blogs is dripping in self sorrow and well, just a me, me, me attitude. Now that is not to say all her postings are, some are purely scripture based, yet even they seem to have a little “its all about me” in them.
This could just be my take on it all, this could be just my own reading of her postings, but I don’t think so. I think they are exactly what I say they are, postings of self sorrow and selfishness. The EGO (edging God out) is a very strong feeling I get when I read them. Once again, it may just be me, it may be me placing on them, or better yet, reading in to them, the feeling I hold towards her. Like I did say, reading them did remind me why we are no-longer friends.
But they also reminded me that I must true to myself and to my God, and as of late I have not been. I have been living a life of lies and sin, and I need to make a correction, and soon. Over the past few months I have not attend Mass, I just haven’t “felt” it. I don’t know why, but I just haven’t. In fact I haven’t even read any spiritual books and the weekly Catholic newspaper I get, and truly enjoys mostly goes unread. I am in a dark place when it comes to my faith, and I have known it for sometime, yet I choose to do nothing. Now I could blame the Church, the Priest or even my former friend for my despair and darkness. But I know they have no control over me, unless I allow them to.
- How can I blame the Church, well look at Her, she is currently a mess, the sex scandals, the miss use of power and the over all liberal take on the Holy Mass. Yet I know in my heart of hearts that all that is not the Church, that is just mans miss handling of the Church hear on earth.
- The Priest, well my last parish the priest was liberal and basically “retired”. He allowed the office manager take total control of the parish, and that resulted in her assuming power over all, and miss using that power to benefit her own agenda, not the agenda of the parish. She was one of the main reasons I left that parish and ended my ministry. But once again, I understand that the Priest is not the Church nor is the office manager, that Christ is the head and we all are parts of the body that makes up the visible Church hear on earth.
- My former friend, well it was her ability to make everything about her, the demands that were placed on me and the false friendship she offered me. She was my “boss” at the parish I ministered at, she was the religious Education Director, and so I thought my friend. But as I found out, she was a self serving liberal who wanted the church to change for her, and not her to change for the Church. She wanted me to be he savior, her everything, yet truly give nothing back in return. But once again I know that she is not the Church, nor does she have control over me.
Nope none of the above “reasons” and “reasons” to abandon the Church, to miss Mass or anything else. They are, at best, excuses. Yes, they all can affect how I choose to react, but in the end it is of my choosing, not theirs. So why have I chosen to abandon my faith, not that I stopped believing God, or even the Catholic Church, because I do, with all my heart and soul. Yet I choose to not partake in the Holy Mass, to partake in the Eucharist, the Body and Blood of my savior. Why?
That is my sin, that is my dilemma, so reading her blog has reminded me that I must look at myself, not others, to find the bark places in my soul that allow me to sin. It is no ones fault but mine. I am the one who is choosing to miss Mass, to sin in my life, choosing to stop feeling my soul. It is I who chooses to pick up a political magazine over the Catholic Newspaper, It is I who chooses to sit and drink coffee on Sunday mornings and not attend Mass. But why? What has changed in me that I choose this path over the others that I could walk?
I can not answer any of these question at this moment, but I do know that I need to receive the blessings of reconciliation, and I need to do a lot of soul searching. I know that God has the answers for me, I just need to learn to listen. So yes, reading her self loathing blogs did do me some good, they directed me back to my self, they reminded me that I am in control of my life, no one else, and that I must look at my own self before I look at others. So it was a well spent thirty minutes.