I am a Sinner, this much I know


St. Francis of Assisi (circa 1182-1220)

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I am a sinner in need of a conversion. A deep spiritual conversion. I need to feel the spirit of God racing through my vein’s, I need to hear the soft whisper of the Holy Spirit within my being and I need to experience the crucifixion of our Lord daily.

This is how I have been feeling as of late, I know I am a sinner, as we all are, and I know I need to go to confession, and soon, it has been like 6 months. And I know and understand I need a conversion, not to a new faith, nope, I am a Catholic, proud to be one and will be one for life. I believe in the One True Faith, established by Jesus Christ himself. And I have no desire to go “church shopping”, nope the Catholic faith is the right faith. But I am still in-need of a conversion.

What kind of conversion, is it from being a conservative Catholic to a liberal Catholic or how about to a charismatic Catholic. Nope, I am happy being a conservative Catholic, the conversion I am seeking is one of the heart, one that moves the soul and transforms me into the person that God created me to be.

Like I said, I know I am a sinner, and God did not create me to be a sinner, but rather a saint. Well lets just say I fall short, way short. And a good old fashion conversion is just what I need.  So Come Holy Spirit and renew my soul, make within me a dwelling place for the Lord, make within me a holy of holies and reside in me for eternity.

I need a conversion of my being, of who and what I am, of what I think and what I do, I need a conversion of life. My life is not what it should be, it is one of shame and disgrace, I have sinned in action and words, my thoughts have betrayed me and I have betrayed God. I am an unworthy servant, one that lacks in character and sufficient grace.

Oh, I know God has provided for me all the grace I need, and then some, but I still lack, not because God has not provided, but because I have neglected to receive it. For I am a sinner, and sinners block the grace God bestows upon them, for they are foreign to them, they are like a virus to a sinner, grace attacks the sin and to a sinner that is unacceptable.

And I am a sinner. Sure my life is filled with grace, for anyone who reads my blog will know this. I am blessed, but I also know I am not fulfilling my calling that I am lacking in grace to be what God truly wishes me to be. I am in need of a conversion, one that leads me to my Lord upon the Cross, one that fills my heart with sorrow for humanity but love for Gods creation, a conversion that fills me up, and over flows my being with the grace of God. I am a sinner, a sinner in all that I am, a sinner who is searching for the light upon the hill but can only see the shadows of that hill.

The blessings that have been bestowed upon me are numerous and I am grateful, I know that God is with me and that I have to do is ask, and I shall receive. But there in lies the problem, how shall I ask, for what shall I ask and what shall I receive? Gods ways are not ours, Gods responses do not always make sense to us, His yes sometimes seems like a no, and His response can seem like to response at all. And my ideas of what I need may not be truly what I need. But this is due to the fact that I am a sinner, my connection to God is corroded, covered in the black gunk of sin.

The Saints, all of them, were sinners, we all are, with the exception of Mary, the mother of Jesus. They all had to deal with the corrosion of sin, they all have had faulty connections at one time or another. St. Francis of Assisi miss understood Gods wishes to “fix His Church”, Francis took it literally and set about rebuilding a few church buildings, God’s meaning, fix the humanity of the Church, not the buildings of the Church. … But Francis got it right in the end. Mother Teresa of Calcutta, a modern-day saint to look to and admire and bouts of what is called the “black night”, times of deep and painful spiritual warfare, but she found Gods grace even in that. 

I have been all things unholy. If God can work through me, he can work through anyone.
Francis of Assisi

For I am a sinner, in need of a conversion, a conversion of my being.

God Bless

Paul

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