Mother, Daughter and John 15:13

A friend of mine was texting me the other night with issues she was having with her daughter, Mothers Day had come and passed and all she received from her daughter was a text stating Happy Mothers Day. Shallow and cold, I will admit, but not unexpected. The relationship between them has always been a bit strained. Even as a young child, the daughter is now in her 20’s, she was a self-centered child. Looking to always serve her own interest. The blame, as always, lies between the parents and the personality of the child.

Her parents are divorced, I do not know the father, but know the mother well. She holds on to the divorce live a badge, she will not let it go, never have and most likely never will. She is bitter and hurt. For what I do not know, for I only know one side of the story. And as we all know, one side of a two-sided story is never enough. What I do know is the deep roots this divorce has caused. I have known the mother for over 15 years, at one time we dated, and we have remained friends after the break-up. Her lack of ability to let it go causes much pain in her and those around her, this, of course, cause issues with-in the family unit. From what I can tell, based on what I have been told by the mother and the kids, she has two, a boy and girl, the father is not very concerned with rules. He is laid back and not very concerned with structure. Is that the case, I do not know, like I said I have never had the change to meet him. But it is the narrative played out in the kids and mother.

The mother, she is controlling and likes structure, she is deeply emotional and likes lots of affirmations, one could say she is needy.  Is she a bad person, no, I think she has a big heart and means well, but I do think she has a difficult time defining love, to me it seems she places a tangible value on love and fails to see love as intangible. She needs to “see” love, the feeling is not enough.

Sure, I will be the first to admit Love is many things, tangible and intangible, but I will also be the first to admit that Love is not one thing, it’s not seeing over feeling, and Love does not always show it self in the ways we would expect. Sometimes the smallest of acts, a smile at just the right moment, says Love more than the words could ever do, Sometimes, but not Always…

Sometimes that same smile can be spiteful and hurtful… Love is…. What is it?

The bible offers us many passages about love, but the one that came to mind when I was talking to my friend, trying to help her through the latest issue with her daughter was this…

John 15:13

¹³ Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

^{New American Standard Bible (NASB)}

 

Why this passage of all passages… The Holy Spirit works in odd ways, let me tell you….

Some back ground of the conversations:

As I said, the daughter text her “Happy Mothers Day” her son, who is in Mexico as part of his seminarian training, called her and talked for 2 hours. A drastic difference, but the two kids are as different as night and day, so not unexpected. But back to the issue at hand.

She asked me what I thought of it all, my response, What did you expect from her. Her response, Love. This conversation went on for about 45 minutes (by the way, I hate texting).

She asked for my advice on what she should do, my advice, same as it has been for a few years now, Stop expecting what she will not provide you. Her response, What, I should not expect my daughters love.

Not exactly what I was talking about, I explained that she loves you, but you will never get the response you want, and if you keep setting yourself up for disappointment, that’s what you will always get.

Still no go, her questions, Is it so wrong for a mother to want her child’s love. My response, No, it’s not wrong, but you cannot force anyone to love you in the way you want or need. Love does not force, it does not control and it is not needy. She did not really like that response from me. Sometimes the truth hurts.

But she knows me well, and she knows I always speak my mind and tell it as I see it. No harm was intended and I am sure no harm was done. So she asked for clarification.

My clarifications, We have to learn to accept the love that is offered, not try to change the love to be what we want. This did not help. She still felt that love was a tangible thing.

Her plan of action

The daughter’s birthday is next month, so her plan is to give her daughter a photo of the three of them, the mother and the two kids. Sounds nice, unless you know the daughter, and I do… She will reject this, not because she hates her brother and not because she hates her mother, but she will reject it out of spite. Just to retain the control over her mother. The more she rejects her mom, the more control she has over her. Her mothers need for tangible love is strong, and her mothers need to control is strong (she is a passive aggressive controller).So the rejection of the photo would only lead to the mother feeling hurt and trying to figure out what she can do to earn her daughters love. This, of course, gives the daughter all the power, and the mother none.

My response to the planed gift, Not a good idea. Do not play into her hands. So what than should I do, was her next question.. Text her, Happy Birthday, and offer her a dinner. Leave it at that… She was not happy with that recommendation. Her concern, if the daughter rejects the dinner invite, that would hurt more, and she really wants to give the photo and birthday card.

The real concern, she wants to gain the upper hand, to have control, to tug at her daughter’s heart-strings, and she thinks the family photo will do the trick.

But she is missing the point, the text and dinner offer gives her the control, the daughter would not expect the same treatment she gives her mother. Now some would say I was being childish, but I beg to differ. The response is not meant to hurt, but to level the playing field, to stop setting oneself up for one disappointment after another, to start to accept the kind of love the daughter was offering and to learn that sometimes we must let go.

So this is the point where I offered my bible verse:

¹³ Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

The point of the passage was missed on her. But it was too late at night for me to get in to is, so I told her to think on it. She asked me to send her an email explaining it to her, so this post is my response (I will only send her the part concerning the passage, all the above back ground information is for us only…Unless she reads this blog…)

Why did that passage pop into me head as a good passage to use? What was the Holy Spirit leading me to? And how do I explain it? Well here I will try:

When most people read that passage, the first think that comes to mind is Jesus upon the cross, offering up His life for our sins. Offering it up freely… WOW, that is true love and friendship. So most of us think of it as the ultimate act of sacrifice for love and friendship, to offer ones life, and it is, if it is not takes to lightly. We read stories and see it on the news, people placing themselves in danger for a child or a loved one, we even see it being done for total strangers (think Boston Marathon bombing).

The gift of life should never be taken lightly and should never be given lightly. But is that the only way one can lay down ones life for a friend? I think not!

*Parents lay down their life for their children on a daily basis. Not always by risking death, sometimes it is by stand by their child through a sickness or by supporting a child through hard times. The love of a parent knows no bounds. The parent knows that rejection of the love is always a possibility, but it is offered anyway, parents know a child my do something that may go beyond anything they may have ever dreamed their child was capable of (think school shootings), but even than a parent will stand by their child. They may not approve of the child’s actions, they may even be the ones to turn them in to the authorities, but there love for that child does not falter. They are willing to take the mean words offered to them by others who do not understand, that will defend their child even if it means they to are persecuted. This is a death they are willing to undertake for their child. Not a physical death, but yet, it is still a death.

Consider a parent of an addict, they offer help and forgiveness to their child, they take them in and support them, only to have the addiction take over their child, yet again. But they continue to support and make excuse for the child, to shelter them from the crudeness of the world. Thinking that they are helping the child, suffering with the child, only to see the child falter again. This is not laying down ones life, it is protection of ones own life. The child needs to learn how to fail, so they can learn how not to fail. For the parent this means to let the child fail, and in doing so, they to will feel the failures the disappointments and resentment of and from the child. This is a death, but like the death of Jesus, there is a resurrection, a new life.

The new life comes from the child’s understanding that actions have consequences, that the addiction causes pain. But if the parent kept sheltering the child, the pain is always shifted to the parent, the child takes no responsibility for their actions. But by the parent allowing the child to feel the failure the parent is also allowing the child to grow to learn and to experience a new life. And the parent is also allowed to grow, to learn and to experience a new life. This most likely will not happen in tandem with each other, the parent may experience the new life before the child even realizes what has just happened, or the parent may take years to come to terms with the fact that they allowed their child to fail. But in the end, Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends… And a life can be laid down in many ways.

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

* The examples are given to illustrate a point, I am not implying that this is always the case. And before anyone starts yelling at me about the addiction example, yes I do understand additions, yes, I know what I am talking about… But remember, it was an example, not a real life situation, so deal with it…

 

 

 

 

Related articles

• A Mother’s Love (modernmanofthecloth.com)
• Mothers’ Day: Damn I Forgot!! (thoughtsthatforge.wordpress.com)

 

Object or Action… The Verb and the Noun

 

The other day I attended an meeting at my Church, they have decided it was time to make some much needed changed to the religious education of the middle school youth program. It was time to re-evaluate how they approached the faith formation of youth, what books to use, if any, what grades will be changed and how do we change it… All questions that need answers, along with a million others.

The process of change is hard, as everyone knows, no one likes change, and God knows the Catholic Church does not come to change easily, this is true for the local parish as much as for the Vatican. Change with in the Church is a slow moving process, and for the most part I thing that is a good thing. The Church is not an institution that should change with every new fad in faith. Her traditions and teachings must remain constant, the stability of the Church is one of her strong points. But sometimes even the most simplest of changes take time. Lets face it, the Church moves slow.

Well, back the the meeting, my parish has decided that change is needed, that we must approach the youth is a format and fashion that appeals to them, and I’m sorry, most of what is currently offered as “religious formation” is nothing but memorization of religious facts. Really, facts = faith? Knowing the prayers of the faith is important, memorizing bible passages is important, but does that make one faithful?

Lets look at it in a different light…

Learning math, 2+2=4, does not make me a mathematician, it makes me able to add, subtract and do the simple math needed to navigate life. It also introduces me to math, allowing me to explore it more deeply, if I choose, and maybe I will become a mathematician latter in life. If not no harm, I now know how to add 2+2.

So, as a math teacher (I am not one) my job would not be to create mathematicians but rather to foster the desire to become one. I teach the basics and leave the rest up to the individual.

Much is the same with most things taught, The object of teaching is to pass on the knowledge, not to create new experts.

The exception to the rule…

Once a path has been chosen, such as Doctor, than the object become creating a new expert. So far I would assume that most would agree with me, education, in is simplest form is to pass on needed information, not to create new experts.

Object or Action

I look at it like this, The object of Faith Formation is not to create new Theologians or Priest, but rather to foster the desire to grow more deeply in the faith. Another way to look at it, Are we creating Theologians or Catholics?

Theologian is an object, a noun

Catholic is an action, a verb

The point of faith formation is not to create nouns but to foster verbs.

I would rather see the youth excited about the faith than to see them recite a prayer, yet have no attachment to the faith. With the basics of the faith instilled in them in a new and exciting way we will be creating a new generation of dynamic Catholics, Catholics that are on fire for knowledge, and some will become the new Theologians and Priest and others will be the new laity, the laity that is involved in parish life, that look at the parish as part of, not separated from, the family dynamics.

What will happen at my local parish, will we see the change that needs to come, or will continue to look at faith formation in the same old way? Only time will tell, but with the grace of God and the working of the Holy Sprit we just may…

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

 

The future of reading?

It has been sometime since I last posted a blog… But I decided that I should post an update on that’s going on. Any one who reads this blog knows, I love to read all kinds of things. I read Stephen King books, books on politics and faith and the American way, but I was never one to read books on lost of social issues or scientific findings, but that has changed, thanks to TED*.

I am sure all of you have heard of TED Talks, the web-based video talks all around 15 minutes or so on a range of topics. They are informative and often times humorous.  Well they now have a service for TED Books, short, about 30 pages each, informative and humorous. And the topic range is also wide and varied. They are designed to be read in one sitting, something that never happens for me because I love to read 3 or 4 books at one time, depending on my mood and need. But I have read several of the TED Books and can say that so far only one has not inspired or interested me, but I will finish it… One day…

Reading is the fuel of the mind, it opens up new worlds and ideas, it allows your imagination to grow and powers your life. Reading is one of the most important skill sets you can ever have, followed closely by communication skills, verbal and non-verbal.

As someone who makes their living communication daily I know and understand the power of reading. It has opened up my mind to new and powerful thoughts and ideas. It has given me confidence to boldly state my beliefs and defend them, but the coast of books, be they eBooks or paper books, they add up quickly, and that can be a burden on someone who loves to read. But Ted Books are different, it’s a subscription to the library of titles, with new titles added monthly. For about $5 per month I can read as many or as few Ted Books as I want. It’s a wonderful thing…

The books are interactive, with links to the web, TED Talks and other documents or photos to help support the authors topic. You are free to dig-in to the topic or just read straight on through. The amount if knowledge you intake is up to you. Fantastic idea, only wish I would have thought of it!

Every once in a while an idea comes across that will change the world, Well I’m not sure TED Books will change the world, but I know it will change the concept of eBooks and how people will learn. TED Books allows you, the learner, to control what you learn and how much you learn. Click the link or don’t, it’s all up to you. I can see this technology being expanded to include eTextbooks or eManuals, and I hope and pray that some smart and rich Catholic will develop a TED Book type of Catholic library. Quick, easy and informative set of books to help form and teach the 1.2 million Catholic world-wide. If I have the money I would be doing it now. Think of the possibilities, think of the reach, think of the hearts and souls that could be touched.

This is also a perfect outlet for self-help and Life Coaching, quick, to the point and interactive… Often times books can be just to long, the point could have been easily made in a few well worded paragraphs, but due to the nature of books, three paragraphs does not constitute a chapter, but with TED Books it allowed and encouraged. Forcing the author to be direct and to the point. Less room for ambiguity and personal opinion. Often times I have read books where the author spends more time on what they wish or thing than on the facts at hand, confusing the reader and placing a fog over the concept. To me, this is just filler, to make the book thicker, justifying the price. Some of my favorite books are under 100 pages, the point has to be made quickly and the author has to be direct.

In the digital age and the 24/7 age of information we should expect and we should demand or information to be direct and to the point, with the opportunity to dig deeper into the concept if we so choose, and TED Books offers just that.

Give yourself a treat, subscribe to TED Books, check it out, read a few, and if you don’t like it, cancel it, but I am sure you wont, I am sure you will be addicted to them, like I am.

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach 

*Guided Insight Life Coach nor Paul Sposite are not paid to indorse TED Books, this is just a personal opinion and no money is made from your transactions with TED Books

Related articles

• TED Books (swiss-miss.com)
• 9 reasons to be excited by the new TED Books app (ted.com)
• Why TED Books? A Q&A with TED’s curator, Chris Anderson (ted.com)
• TED Books: Now on the Nook (ted.com)

 

Nature and Health

Honey in honeycombs (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m a firm believer in natural remedies, I am always looking for natural ways to keep my health, my Doctor posted this on his Facebook page, so I thought I would share it with you all…

 

Cinnamon and Honey

Drug companies won’t like this one getting around. Facts on Honey and Cinnamon:
It is found that a mix of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of to…day also note honey as very effective medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without side effects which is also a plus.Today’s science says that even though honey is sweet, when it is taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm even diabetic patients. Researched by western scientists:

 

HEART DISEASES:

 

Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, put it on toast instead of jelly and jam and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol and could potentially save one from heart attack. Also, even if you have already had an attack studies show you could be kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of cinnamon honey strengthens the heart beat. In America and Canada, various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as one ages the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and the veins.

 

ARTHRITIS:

Arthritis patients can benefit by taking one cup of hot water with two tablespoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. When taken daily even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week (out of the 200 people so treated) practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain — and within a month, most all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis now started walking without pain.

BLADDER INFECTIONS:

Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder….who knew?

 

CHOLESTEROL:

Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water given to a cholesterol patient was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, when taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol-could be cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

COLDS:

Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and, clear the sinuses, and it’s delicious too!

UPSET STOMACH:

Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also is said to clear stomach ulcers from its root.

GAS:

According to the studies done in India and Japan, it is revealed that when Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

IMMUNE SYSTEM:

Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacterial and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles (where DNA is contained) to fight bacterial and viral diseases.

INDIGESTION:

Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food is eaten relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals

 

INFLUENZA:

A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ‘Ingredient’ which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

LONGEVITY:

Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Use four teaspoons of honey, one teaspoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of boiling water to make a tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans increase and even a 100 year old will start performing the chores of a 20-year-old.

RASPY OR SORE THROAT:

When throat has a tickle or is raspy, take one tablespoon of honey and sip until gone. Repeat every three hours until throat is without symptoms.

PIMPLES:

Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it off the next morning with warm water. When done daily for two weeks, it removes all pimples from the root.

SKIN INFECTIONS:

Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin Infections.

WEIGHT LOSS:

Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast and on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. When taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

 

CANCER:

Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder three times a day for one month.

FATIGUE:

Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, even when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, when taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M., the vitality of the body increases within a week.

BAD BREATH:

People of South America, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water first thing in the morning so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

HEARING LOSS:

Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing.
Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!

 

 

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The Most Important Result is Still To Come

The Most Important Result is Still To Come.

via The Most Important Result is Still To Come.

 

These are my thoughts… (a post from my friend)

A fantastic post by a good friend…..

 

These are my thoughts…

…shared mostly so you can understand where I am coming from, even if you disagree with me.

It is 11:47 pm right now and I should be sleeping. I should be sleeping but I am unable to. One hour ago, it appeared that the current president was going to win his bid for re-election. One hour ago, I walked into our family room and asked my husband to come join me in our room and hold me until I fell asleep. He fell asleep firs…(typical) I asked him to come hold me because I am scared. Here is the thing, I know I have a lot of friends who voted for ‘the other guy’ and I know that tonight is a night of celebration for you. I know you will be happy and think that you have reached a level of success. I know you are certain that something better has happened for our country. I know you are confident that you can believe in the change that you are striving for. And finally, I know that you don’t quite know why people like me are so scared. I thought I would let you know why. Because here is the thing, understanding where the ‘other’ is coming from is a good thing. I want to help you understand…. (To Keep reading, select here)

_____________________

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

 

The Sound of Electronic Silence

Cover of Sounds of Silence (Exp)

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

Sounds Of Silence By: Simon & Garfunkel

The song has an quality to it that makes it seem kind of dark, almost eerie feeling. Some would consider it a depressing song, a song with no hope. But I hear it differently, I hear it as a song of inner peace, a song searching for the meaning of self, the meaning of life, to me it is a song of becoming.

In todays world of connectedness, Wi-Fi and smart phones, we are never to far from being connected to someone or something. In fact we are frightened of being non-connected, of being off the grid as it were. Silence is the “monster under the bed” of many, they fear it, but have no rational reason to do so.

Recently I took a vacation to Koln Germany, I brought my iPad and smart phone, the iPad for reading and checking up on my home via Facebook and the smart phone, just incase I needed to call home. The phone was on, but never used, in-fact a few times it lost its charge, the iPad, well it was on daily, to read the news of the day and to check in on the doings of the two young lads who were watching over my home and pets, and to read. My postings to my Twitter (@paulsposite) and Facebook were at a stand still, and my blogging was put on the back burner. The sound of silence was welcomed, and was filled with real conversations with real people.

Wait, how can I say that, how can the silence be filled with conversation? What do I mean? What the hell am I talking about?

Silence comes in many different flavors, there is, of course, the traditional silence, no sound at all, just the nothingness that surrounds you. This silence is very useful, allowing you to become fully aware of yourself and your surroundings. I have talked about this kind of silence before, the need for it in our lives, even if its just 15 minutes per day, a time to reset and replenish your energy. I have spoken about how Jesus used this time time of silence to hear His Fathers commands and how we need to do the same. But this is not the silence I am referring to today, today I am referring to the digital silence, the silence of electronics. The need to replace the buzz of phones and instant messaging with the hum of humanity.

The world we are living in, is a world of connections, we are connected to each other  in ways we have never seen. We have Facebook friends and Twitter alliances, we instant message each other on our way to be with each other and than continue to message others why we are with each other. We are fearful of being disconnected, we are fearful that we will miss out, we are fearful of the silence of technology.

I love technology, and use it daily, I live on my iPad, I like keeping up with my friends and family and reading the latest news events as they happen, but I also love the down time, the time for me to just sit and be still. When I first got my iPad I was on it every waking hour, posting every  news article I read, and every quote I heard. I felt connected, I felt as if I was contributing to the massive world discussion of politics and current events. I still do post, more than some but less than others, but I have cut back, I have learned lessons and I have become friends with silence once more. Now most nights I post a few things, but for the most part my iPad is closed and away from me. Why the change, why did I give it up, if it was truly something I enjoyed? Simple, the stacks of magazines, books and other stuff that goes unread, the projects that are delayed and the time for silence that is lost. I was replacing all my enjoyment with one thing, the iPad and the net had become my single place of activity. The books I intended to read have collected dust, the magazines I subscribe to have gone unread and in many cases unopened. The projects I have started around the house are 1/2 finished or barley started and all the great plans I have made are just that, plans but no actions.

Is it the fault of the iPad, Facebook or Twitter, nope, its all mine, I allowed them to fill up the silence, I allowed them to take over and become my anti-silence. There is a time and a place for Facebook and Twitter, the iPad offers me many great opportunities to be silent, I have many great books downloaded that I could be reading, I have the ability to work on some of the projects I have started or want to start, its not the fault of technology, but the fault of my use of it.

My To-do list is long, but my actions are short. My personal silent time was lacking, but this is changing. My time in Germany, on my vacation, allowed me to once again remember the quality time I had when I had the time for silence. I remembered that the iPad does not own me, but I own it, I remembered that there is an On and Off switch on it, that if it can be turned on, it can also be turned off. I like that… I think it’s a lesson most of us need to learn, that what can be turned on, The TV, the Radio, the Computer or iPad, MP3 player, all it can also be turned off. The book that is closed can be opened, the magazine that sits there can be picked up. The walk you have been talking about can become reality and the quiet evening spent with good friends over a glass of wine can happen with out the smart phones. Life can exist with out being connected, life did before Wi-Fi and it can do so once again.

We need to re-learn that missing a phone call will not end our life, that not posting our current global position every 15 minutes will not cause the earth to spin off its axis and that our Facebook friends do not really need to know what we are eating or reading or watching every moment of the day. We need to understand that Twitter will still be Twittering with out our little comments and life will go on with or without our input.

The lesson will be hard, we have become so use to posting and tweeting that it almost seems second nature. But life will go on, technology is not the essence of life, this is a hard, true fact.

We need to remember that Wi-Fi cannot replace Face to Face, that Facebook is not the same as “Lets do dinner” and that a tweet is not the same as conversations over a glass of beer. Each have there time and purpose, but one cannot, and should not, replace the other. Reading a good book, be it paper or electronic cannot be replaced by reading the tweets of some celebrity you decided to stalk, and video chatting with your loved ones is not the same as dinner and a movie.

With the Christmas season upon us, maybe we should consider this. Maybe this year when we are buying all our gifts, maybe we could venture out of the electronics department and look in the old fashion game department, you know the ones were you have to sit face to face to play, were you have plastic game pieces and paper money. Or maybe this year when you are planning your Christmas party you could make it a mandatory Electronics Free Zone Party. No Phones, smart or otherwise, no iPads or other Wi-Fi connected devices. Maybe even have a few board games and deck of cards out, maybe you can even communicate directly to each other, you know face to face.. Just a thought….

Look for the opportunities to become electronic free, look for times you can be “Off the Grid” and enjoy the silence of no electronics in your life. Rediscover live that is Twitter free, learn to live a life of no Facebook, even if its for just a few hours per day, make rules for when the smart phones must become silent, establish a time with all OFF buttons must be in use. It can be done, my friends in Germany, they do something very radical, they turn off the power to there modem when they are done using the computer… They disconnect from the grid, and they survived! We can do it, I know we can, besides the benefit of not being connected to the web, you will also save energy… It’s a big step, and I admit, I am not there yet, but I am thinking about it. If I did do that, if I did turn the power off to my modem, not only would I not be able to surf the web, post my amazing input to Facebook, but I would also not be able to watch TV. My TV is run through my computer, I cut the cord and dished the dish years ago. The lack of internet would also turn my iPad into a very expensive e-reader and my books and magazines would become more accessible.

Now its true, its not very hard to turn it back on, but the process takes time, I would have to reboot the computer, log in and make sure all the programs are running that need to be running for my TV to work, to the time it takes would be a deterrent to just turning the TV on because I can. Its something to consider.

Lots to consider…

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

 

Ben Franklin and Leadership

Portrait of Benjamin Franklin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Leadership is something we hear about all the time, we can attend seminars, read books and articles and even blog post. Everyone seems have the solution to being a leader. To me it seems that the title of the book or workshop seems to be more important that the content of the book or workshop. The key to a multi-million dollar book is the title, not so much the content. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some great books out there on leadership, but really, is there anything we have not already hear, read or seen, is there a new holy grail of leadership quality that we just happen to stumble upon?

Can there really be something we missed? I find it hard to believe, sure there are new challenges to being a leader in the 21st century, we have a world that is connected like never before, we tweet or thoughts the moment we have them and Facebook our likes for all the world to see. We have smart phones and tablets that keep us connected to the grid at all times, allowing us to “lead” at any given moment. We can bark our orders to all with one simple posting and we can “keep tabs” on our team with a few clicks of the mouse.

So sure there are new challenges, but has leadership really changes? New tools for a new world, but is being a leader harder today than 10, 20, 50, 100 or 1000 years ago? I think not, if anything, it should be easier. Think about it… Before the advent of cellphones and the internet leaders had to communicate face to face or through well written letters that would take days, weeks or months to arrive at its destination.

Case and point:

Ben Franklin the American Statesmen who helped define this nation, a founding father and great leader. He could not tweet the French monarchy and ask for help in the American cause, he could not pick up his cell phone and give them a little ring nor text them a question. He had only two options, write a letter and send  it off, on a boat to France or pack up his bags and head there himself. Franklin did both. The letter first, stating his purpose and announcing his arrival and than he himself heading off. This was no 8 hour flight, it was a long and treacherous trip on a ship. Not a modern-day cruse liner, but a wooden vessel with very few comforts we would consider must haves.

The trip is only part of it, a lot could change in the time it took Franklin to travel from America to France, and he had no real way of knowing so. There was not onboard communication device to receive updates on the revolution back home. Franklin was flying blind, or should I say, sailing blind. By the time Franklin arrives in France the fight could have been over, the British could have defeated the rebels and his trip could have been in vane.

Sure, we may have times were we are flying blind, times we may feel as if we are on a ship sailing off to ports unknown, but we are never truly out of the loop, not in todays connected society. We few postings to our Linked In account, a few Google searches and before we know it, we have the latest rumors or tid-bits of information. Franklin had none of this, in fact, by the time he arrives in France, the French would know more about the revolution latest happenings than him.

Franklin would have to update himself once in France, based on old news, for even the “breaking news” in France would have been weeks if not months old. No instant updates or news feeds for Mr. Franklin, he had to use his intuition to read between the lines of the old news and speculate on the news yet to come. No fact checking or quick call to the home office to verify his information, nope, Franklin had to just wait for updates.

Franklin spent months in France, waiting for the perfect moment to ask the King for help, he used his time to learn and plan. His face, his words and actions represented the Face of America to the French.

Leaders today have lost the art of statesmanship, most have lost the art of communication, be it a political leader, corporate or community leader, we expect instant results with instant feedback. Look around you, how many people are attached to there smart phones and tablets. How many are afraid to make any decision on there own, how many do not like to wait, feel lost without being connected to the outside world. Leadership is the ability to think on your own, the ability to think of others, Ben Franklin had to do this on a daily bases, he had to consider the nation with out the latest polls to help him form a decision.

Sure he wrote letters home and waited for the reply, the lattes news on how the fight for independence was going, knowing that the news, at best, was weeks old. His decisions were based on facts that could not be easily verified and checked. Life was different, some would say less complex, less hectic, but was it really?

Leadership is not always being in the know, but sometimes its intuition, the gut feeling or reaction. Great leaders learn to trust themselves and others. The Founding Fathers had to have faith in Franklin, they had to trust that he would represent them well, but also trust that his intuition would serve them and the nation, a nation that was at war, fighting for its very existence.  They had to do it based on blind trust, they had no ability to contact him via phone or text, the written word was all the had, and even that was delayed, old news, by the time it reached him. Our very existence depended on a mans intuition and his ability to be a statesman.

Leadership is not new nor has it really changed, the challenges are timeless and the values are eternal. The tools may have changes, but the underlining principals of leadership are universal and forever-in-a-day. This is why we so often look back in history to find examples of true leadership, Washington, Gandhi, Martian Luther King Jr. and many others. Books have been written and seminars given on the leadership styles od Jesus, the Art of War is still considered on of the best books on leadership, yet we still feel the need to try to separate ourselves, to pretend that our day and age is different, that our circumstances calls for new approaches, yet leadership qualities have not changes, they have remained constant and universal throughout history.

We may label them differently, give them updated descriptions but if you spend the time, look for the root of leadership, you will find that all leadership styles breakdown to the same basics:

-Trust

- In self

-In others

-Intuition, gut feelings

-Commutation

-Listening

-Verbal

-Non-Verbal

-Written

-Faith

-In a greater power

-In Self

-In Humanity

-Action

-When to take action

-When not to take action

Leadership in not new and improved because we have new tools, email, twitter, Facebook and Linked In are tools to allow us to lead, but the basics never change. Leadership is still about others, about placing yourself not at the front, but at the rear, not lifting yourself above others, but lifting others above yourself. A true leader is not elected to power, does not take or steal power, a true leader is elevated, raises naturally and humbled by the power granted to them by the ones they lead. The Founding Fathers understood this, and they lived it.

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

Related articles

• How Ben Franklin Became a Colonel in the Pennsylvania Militia (mentalfloss.com)
• Leadership and discomfort (claudetoland.com)
• Paul Ryan and Ben Franklin (broeder10.wordpress.com)
• What’s wrong with leadership books? [Andrew Priestley] (ecademy.com)
• Would Ben Franklin be a blogger? (10zenmonkeys.com)
• Ben Franklin Virtue #4 (animaticpress.com)
• The most important message to leaders (cbsnews.com)
• Three Leadership Traits that Never Go Out of Style (blogs.hbr.org)

 

The Loss of Freedom for our own Good…

The United States Supreme Court. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yesterday the United States Supreme Court upheld ObamaCare, a massive intrusion into our personal lives and our freedoms. With this ruling, the courts granted congress the power to force Americans into purchasing products that they may or may not want or need. By the courts calling the individual mandate a tax, they have upheld the single largest tax increase in American history, created a bureaucracy that will grow the size of government like we have never seen and granted the IRS unprecedented powers to come after you and your money.

Every American should be scared, very scared indeed.

Think I am over reacting? Think again

 

• California Proposes Ban on Energy-Hogging HDTVs Starting in 2011
• New York Plans to Ban Sale of Big Sizes of Sugary Drinks
• New York restaurant kitchens face threat of salt ban
• Michigan smoking ban still lights up debate
• School Soda Ban
• Chicago Public School Bans Home-Packed Lunches

Shall I go on?

• ‘Not it!’ More schools ban games at recess
• Norton schools ban bake sales
• School Bans Christmas Colors?

Are you starting to get it… Once government knows it can get away with one ban, one tax, one forced purchase, it will add more, take away more freedoms, more individual choices, creating a nanny state that feels they know better than you, how you should live your life.

All Americans should be scared, very scared indeed…

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach 

 

Related articles

• Supreme Court Upholds ObamaCare (thefrisky.com)
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• Supreme Court upholds Obamacare individual mandate as a tax (news.yahoo.com)
• And so now the government really can make us eat broccoli (professorbainbridge.com)
• SCOTUS Upholds ObamaCare Mandate As Tax Even Though It’s Not a Tax (outsidethebeltway.com)
• Supreme Court Upholds Obama Health Care Act (wnyc.org)
• Has the Supreme Court Opened a Pandora’s Box of Unintended Consequence Worms? (moralmatters.org)
• The Individual Mandate Upheld as a Tax (cato-at-liberty.org)
• Supreme Court Ruling On Obamacare (doubledippolitics.com)
• Supreme Court upholds Obama health care mandate (newsday.com)
• U.S. Supreme Court upholds individual mandate in Obama health care act (nj.com)
• ObamaCare: Supreme Court Finds Unconstitutional Individual Mandate Constitutional (thedaleygator.wordpress.com)
• BREAKING: Supreme Court Upholds Individual Mandate As A Tax (thinkprogress.org)
• Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Obama on Health Care [Obamacare] (gawker.com)
• Supreme Court upholds individual mandate (rawstory.com)
• Bolitics: Supreme Court Upholds Individual Mandate That Will Require Everyone To Have Health Insurance! (bossip.com)
• Supreme Court Upholds The Individual Mandate (huffingtonpost.com)

 

I was Raised in a Home…

I was born and raised in a home that thought respect was a good thing, that children showed respect to their elders, at all times, regardless of what the child thought of them.

I was raised in a home where manners was a requirement to eat at the dinner table, for everyone, guest included.

I was raised in a home were we, the children, understood that the adults had more privileges than us, that they, the adults, earned it, and we had not.

I was raised in a home were No meant No, where crying, pouting and other such behavior only made things worse.

I was raised in a home were good grades were expected, not rewarded and bad grades were punished not excused.

I was raised in a home with one TV that my mom and dad controlled, and we, the kids were privileged to use it, and that privilege could be taken away at anytime.

I was raised in a home were the car was something you asked permission to borrow, unless you bought your own, and even than the privilege to drive that car, or any other car could be striped away.

I was raised in a home were the parents were the parents, not the best friends, were the law of the land was at the discretion on said parents, not up for discussion. The parents ran the household, not the children, the parents enforced the rules, not the child and the parent had first, second and last say in all matters concerning my upbringing until I moved out of the house.

I was raised in a loving home with two parents who fought and argued and sometimes made mistakes. They sometimes punished when it was not fair they sometimes refused to understand my side and they sometimes just had not time for my little boy concerns, they had adult concerns. They had the bills to pay and the other 4 siblings to look after. They had the car repairs to look after and the groceries to buy. Sometimes my major life event was just to hard for them to see or understand.

I was raised in a home were sometimes my parents forgave me to quickly or overlooked my faults, were sometimes they put aside their concerns for the bills and food, just to spend time with me on the floor playing or going for a walk in the snow. Sometimes they saw no one but me.

I was raised in a home with understanding and misunderstanding under the same roof, were pride and disappointment could be seen side-by-side and were love was found in the smile of my frustrated parents.

I was raised in a home were the problems of the house hold, the adult problems, were not shared, the burden was not unloaded upon my shoulders, were the concerns of finding the money was never mine.  Were the house payment or loss of a job was dealt with in the wee hours of the night, with the children sleeping soundly.

I was raised in a home were childhood was nurtured and allowed to grow, were Santa existed and the back yard was window into the world of imagination.

My parents were not perfect, I was not perfect nor were my brothers and sisters, we were, simply put, a family learning how to live and grow with each other. I grew up knowing that I will not get everything I ask for, everything I want, but I will always have everything I need. The latest pair sneakers were a want, not a need, and I learned this lesson early in life. Were the lessons always painless, no, sometimes my little mind could not grasp the value at hand, what did I know of house payments or layoffs, this was not my concern as a child, it was the concern of my parents and there friends. Hard or easy, the lesson was there, and I am sure, more often than not, it was harder for my parents than for me.

This blog was to be about the problem with youth today, all the violence and just plain bad attitude, it was to offer a solution to the problem, to help find creative ways to deal with youth gone wild. The first few I was raised lines were to be lead-ins to the issues facing parents and communities, but like all good blogs, this one has a mind of its own, and turned into a tribute to my childhood, my parents and how I was raised.

Life was not perfect, my dad was laid off a few times from the automotive industry, we struggled to survive and we had our good and bad moments. I remember eating raw potato’s as a snack, I though nothing of it as a kid. I love them, little did I know it was because my parents could not afford the chips and other junk food my friends had. To me, a raw potato with salt was as good, if not better than a bag of chips. I still love them today. My parents didn’t bother us kids with such things, if we did ask such question pertaining to bills or other money concerns we were told, more often than not, that it was none of our concerns. We did not know nor understand the struggles and sacrifices our parents made, I, for I cannot speak for my siblings, never knew we had money concerns I just knew that the shoes I really wanted were too much, so I had to get the off brand ones, and I never had an issue with that, to me they were all the same.

A parents job is to provide and protect, to provide food, shelter and love and to protect us from harm as best they can. There job is not to give us our every want, to shower us with gifts or money, their job is not to treat us like little adults and burden us with adult sized issues. Our shoulders are not broad enough to hold such a load.

I was raised in a home of imperfections and blemishes, were wrong was sometimes right and yes was sometimes no.

I was raised in a home… A home that I am proud to call my own, a home that my parents built, not out of brick and stone, but out of love and concern. Our walls may not have been perfect, the floors may have creaked and yes, sometimes the wind may have blown through the cracks and crevasses. This home was in Detroit and The Irish Hills, it was in Clinton and Ann Arbor, it was in Canton and Westland and now it is with in me. My parents where not perfect and our home was lived in many houses, but it was always home.

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach