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I was Raised in a Home…


I was born and raised in a home that thought respect was a good thing, that children showed respect to their elders, at all times, regardless of what the child thought of them.

I was raised in a home where manners was a requirement to eat at the dinner table, for everyone, guest included.

I was raised in a home were we, the children, understood that the adults had more privileges than us, that they, the adults, earned it, and we had not.

I was raised in a home were No meant No, where crying, pouting and other such behavior only made things worse.

I was raised in a home were good grades were expected, not rewarded and bad grades were punished not excused.

I was raised in a home with one TV that my mom and dad controlled, and we, the kids were privileged to use it, and that privilege could be taken away at anytime.

I was raised in a home were the car was something you asked permission to borrow, unless you bought your own, and even than the privilege to drive that car, or any other car could be striped away.

I was raised in a home were the parents were the parents, not the best friends, were the law of the land was at the discretion on said parents, not up for discussion. The parents ran the household, not the children, the parents enforced the rules, not the child and the parent had first, second and last say in all matters concerning my upbringing until I moved out of the house.

I was raised in a loving home with two parents who fought and argued and sometimes made mistakes. They sometimes punished when it was not fair they sometimes refused to understand my side and they sometimes just had not time for my little boy concerns, they had adult concerns. They had the bills to pay and the other 4 siblings to look after. They had the car repairs to look after and the groceries to buy. Sometimes my major life event was just to hard for them to see or understand.

I was raised in a home were sometimes my parents forgave me to quickly or overlooked my faults, were sometimes they put aside their concerns for the bills and food, just to spend time with me on the floor playing or going for a walk in the snow. Sometimes they saw no one but me.

I was raised in a home with understanding and misunderstanding under the same roof, were pride and disappointment could be seen side-by-side and were love was found in the smile of my frustrated parents.

I was raised in a home were the problems of the house hold, the adult problems, were not shared, the burden was not unloaded upon my shoulders, were the concerns of finding the money was never mine.  Were the house payment or loss of a job was dealt with in the wee hours of the night, with the children sleeping soundly.

I was raised in a home were childhood was nurtured and allowed to grow, were Santa existed and the back yard was window into the world of imagination.

My parents were not perfect, I was not perfect nor were my brothers and sisters, we were, simply put, a family learning how to live and grow with each other. I grew up knowing that I will not get everything I ask for, everything I want, but I will always have everything I need. The latest pair sneakers were a want, not a need, and I learned this lesson early in life. Were the lessons always painless, no, sometimes my little mind could not grasp the value at hand, what did I know of house payments or layoffs, this was not my concern as a child, it was the concern of my parents and there friends. Hard or easy, the lesson was there, and I am sure, more often than not, it was harder for my parents than for me.

This blog was to be about the problem with youth today, all the violence and just plain bad attitude, it was to offer a solution to the problem, to help find creative ways to deal with youth gone wild. The first few I was raised lines were to be lead-ins to the issues facing parents and communities, but like all good blogs, this one has a mind of its own, and turned into a tribute to my childhood, my parents and how I was raised.

Life was not perfect, my dad was laid off a few times from the automotive industry, we struggled to survive and we had our good and bad moments. I remember eating raw potato’s as a snack, I though nothing of it as a kid. I love them, little did I know it was because my parents could not afford the chips and other junk food my friends had. To me, a raw potato with salt was as good, if not better than a bag of chips. I still love them today. My parents didn’t bother us kids with such things, if we did ask such question pertaining to bills or other money concerns we were told, more often than not, that it was none of our concerns. We did not know nor understand the struggles and sacrifices our parents made, I, for I cannot speak for my siblings, never knew we had money concerns I just knew that the shoes I really wanted were too much, so I had to get the off brand ones, and I never had an issue with that, to me they were all the same.

A parents job is to provide and protect, to provide food, shelter and love and to protect us from harm as best they can. There job is not to give us our every want, to shower us with gifts or money, their job is not to treat us like little adults and burden us with adult sized issues. Our shoulders are not broad enough to hold such a load.

I was raised in a home of imperfections and blemishes, were wrong was sometimes right and yes was sometimes no.

I was raised in a home… A home that I am proud to call my own, a home that my parents built, not out of brick and stone, but out of love and concern. Our walls may not have been perfect, the floors may have creaked and yes, sometimes the wind may have blown through the cracks and crevasses. This home was in Detroit and The Irish Hills, it was in Clinton and Ann Arbor, it was in Canton and Westland and now it is with in me. My parents where not perfect and our home was lived in many houses, but it was always home.

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

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Road to Redemption: How to Overcome Feeling Sorry for Yourself


Feeling sorry for yourself, and you present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have.

-Dale Carnegie

What can we do about this, how can we change our own outlook on our own life? How do we stop feeling sorry for ourselves, stopping the self-pity and self loathing?  What can we do to save ourselves from ourselves?

Some points to consider:

  • Only you can make you feel bad
  • Only you are in control of you
  • Only you can fix you
  • Only you can do it

We are in control of our own lives, this is a basic and true fact, nothing can change this basic fact. However, being human, being of a fallen nature, we are prone to failure, we are prone to self-doubt we are prone to self-destruction. So how do we change this, how do we get past our fallen human nature? What can we do to become a better person, a person of confidence a person of integrity and person of character?

We can teach ourselves to over come our fallen nature, we can grow above and beyond that, it is achievable, it is with-in our grasps, all we need to do is trust, trust in God, trust that He will provides the graces we need to archive our perfection.

Trust in God does not mean we sit back and do nothing, quit the contrary, trust in God means we buckle down, place our nose to the grind stone, work our fingers to the bones, what ever cleaver little saying you choose. Trust is God is not the easy road, but it is the road less traveled. It is the road to perfection and happiness, it is the road to freedom and salvation, it is the only road to our own personal redemption.

God is our ticket to liberation, liberation from self-doubt, liberation from self-hatred, the two self-defeating attitudes that create the conditions necessary for self-loathing and just plain old feeling sorry for yourself. God and His graces, His love for you and all your imperfections, our ability to accept His love, to use His graces, that’s the way to freedom, the road to liberation.

Sounds easy, who would not want Gods love, who does not want the graces God bestows upon us? Ask almost anyone, and they would tell you, Yep, I want Gods love, I want His grace, not many would out-and-out refuse it. Some do, but most would be more than happy to accept the freely given gifts. So why that do we have so much pain and suffering, why do we have so many people who are full of self-pity and self-hatred?

Because the gifts and love are given freely, but we must be open to and willing to accept them, and simply saying yes, simply using words, dead words, is not enough. Action is required, God wants us to fully participate in His divine plan for ourselves, He wants us to be active, not just a vessel to poor His love and graces into, but an active participant in His love and grace.

What good are gifts, given freely, if we do not use them, what good is love, given unconditionally, if we do not accept it? A gift is only as useful as it is used, otherwise the gift is of no value. We can receive Gods love all daylong, but if we do not open ourselves to this love, if we do not partake in this love, the love is of no value to us. Yes God continues to love us, regardless of our acceptance or not, but the love goes unused, it is not returned nor is it give to others. The love of God is not meant to be buried like a secret love, but to be received and displayed for all to see, and to be given to others as freely as it was given to us.

The act of receiving is not a passive act, it is an act that requires us to participate fully. Consider this, have you ever given a gift to a friend or loved one, a gift that you gave out of no obligation, no requirement, no special occasion. You gave the gift just out of love, given freely, expecting nothing in return. But the recipient was not receptive to your gift, they may have accepted it, they may have even opened it, but they were not receptive. They showed no sign of joy in the act of love, they showed no sign of rejection, they just accepted it. We, the gift bearer, leave feeling rejected, feel that our love was neither accepted nor outright rejected. We think to ourselves, I would rather have them say I reject your gift, I do not want it, than to just accept it with no emotion at all. The act of receiving is active, it requires work on the part of the receiver. It is the same with Gods gifts to us, He freely offers His gifts, He will not force them upon us, we must freely accept them, and just saying yes is like the friend that opened the gift you offered with no emotion, no reaction, just nothingness. The gift, although given was not truly accepted, it was discarded, not with words, but the lack of action.

So what actions, what is required of us, nothing, we are not required to accept Gods graces nor Gods love, just like we are not required to accept gifts on our birthday or at Christmas. We can choose freely to participate in Gods love, just as we choose freely to accept Christmas gifts and attend birthday parties. But once we choose to attend, action is required, input and output are part of the interaction of any social gathering, so is the case with God, He provides the input, and we provide the output. He gives us, freely, His love, the input, and we actively, through our works, provide the output. Notice, God gives freely, and we work actively, it is through the active works we perfect the graces and love of God is fully realized.

So how can God help us get over our self-hate, our feeling sorry for ourselves. What must we do to actively participate in Gods graces and love given freely. How do we perform the work to  fully realize the gifts God has given. For each of us God has given the gifts that we need, the gifts that are unique to us, so for each of us the works are also unique, but here is a list of a few things all of us can do to help us realize the full potential of our gifts.

  • Pray daily, offer up 30 to 60 minuets per day to God, talk to Him, but more importantly, listen, be still, be quiet, and listen to the loving voice of God. And do not worry if you don’t hear Him  the first time or every time you pray, like everything else in our lives, it take practice. So just pray, daily and know and accept that some days will be better than others.
  • Read daily, anyone who has read my blog before knew that this would be one of the point, it almost always is. But reading is important, reading opens our minds to new possibilities. Read the bible, read a good solid spiritual book or read a novel, just read and let your mind go, let your mind enter into the story or passage. Let the author take you along for the ride. Read at least 15 minutes per day. God often times speaks to me through the books I choose to read that day, the passage I decide to look up or the magazine I choose out of the stack on my coffee table. God uses the everyday items about us to communicate to us, God comes to the place we are, He does not wait for us to arrive at the place He desires us to be.
  • Journal daily, write about your day, write about what you see about you, write about your prayer life, write about what ever you choose to write about. This blog is my journal, it allows me the opportunity to clear my mind, to put down on paper (well in this case, electronic paper) what is on my mind, allows me the opportunity to clear it, to visualize it. God uses these opportunities to speak to us, often times I just sit to write, no idea what I want to write about, just feel the need to clear my mind. It is in these moments that I feel God guiding me more that any other. So journal daily, allow the Holy Spirit to guide your hand across the paper, or in my case the keyboard. Use your time journaling as a time of communion with God.
  • Learn daily, learn about your faith, learn about your life, learn about your country learn about wine or basket weaving, just learn, never stop learning. God created our minds to grow, to learn to expand. In the process of learning, we are using one of Gods greatest gifts to us, the gift of knowledge. So learn something new daily, try something new daily. I try to make it a point to learn something new daily, be it a simple fact or a complex idea. Learning about this world, our self, our nation or about basket weaving is learning about God, for through the ordinary we find God.
  • Think one positive thought daily, when you are in the mist of a bad day, stop yourself, and think about one positive event that took place that day. There is always one, no day is completely bad. Even Good Friday, the day our Lord was killed upon a cross had a positive moment, the moment He offered His life for our sins. So stop and think, seek out the shinning spot among the darkness of your day. It is in the moment, that spot that God will be found.
  • Thank someone daily, always give thanks to all around you, but find someone who needs your thanks more than any other, we find God in our fellow-man, and they find God in us, give freely of your Gift of love from God, by returning to others.

Our works do not purchase Gods love nor are the required, God gives it freely, but our works bring the fullness of Gods love to light. Through Gods love we will learn to love the self, and only through our works will we fully realize that self-love.

 

God Bless

 

Paul W Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

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So, tell me about yourself (How I hate that)


Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever sat down and plotted out a course of action for your current work position? I am sure many of you have and think nothing of it. But for me its one of the hardest things to do. There are two things I hate, one is having to write or talk about myself. In every ministry class or self-improvement class I have ever taken, that is almost always one of the first tasks. Call it what you like “selling yourself” “listing your gifts” or just bragging, what ever you want to call it, to me its hard and to tell the truth, some what silly. But, I know of many people who thrive on that, create the list even when they don’t have to, drop it into what ever they are saying or writing. Any chance to shine and they will.

I remember once, when I was part owner of a store, the three partners all happen to be at the store at the same time, and a salesman walked it. He was, as expected, extremely friendly and knew how to sell. He didn’t start off with”would you like to buy this” but rather with “So tell me a little about yourselves”. Very smart move, great way to open up a sales pitch. So I started with the basics, I was a youth minister and part owner of the store, partner number two, same thing, partner number three, had to mention every church they worked at, every school they even considered going to and every degree they might have even given a thought to. Her introduction, 10 min, mine and the other partner, maybe 2 minutes max.  The salesman, he really didn’t care, he was just hoping for an opening, and he found it, in partner number 3.

Why partner number 3, because he know that she would also be open to flattery. And with the power of flattery, her ego would be stroked and with her ego stroked, all reason and defenses would be out the window. Our only saving grace, I was the person in charger of purchasing all gift items, partner number 3 was in charge of the money and partner number 3, book. So we were safe, ego stroked or no stroke.

What does that have to do with stating your gifts or talents or what ever. To me its all about ego, and for anyone who has read my blogs over the years knows what I think about the ego, I have no use for it. Ego is Edging God Out, and is the root of all evil. I find no value in stroking your own ego, nor in having others stroke it for you. This has caused me many issues in the past, I have a hard time “selling’ myself, because I find it hard to talk about what I am capable to do, were my strengths lies, I am much more at ease talking about my deficits and what I lack.

My action plan for work is similar to this, I am being asked to define what I want, were I want to be and how I need to get there. This is a hard task for me. The issue is, I love what I do, but I am extremely unhappy in how it is done.

I am a technical instructor for a major PLM software, I write and deliver the course. I have been doing this for over 15 years, and must say I have gotten very good at it. Am I the best, depends on who you ask, am I the worst, same thing, depends on who you ask. I know I am good at what I do, and I also know I love what I do. But… Doing the same thing over and over and over can get to you. Fighting the same battles day in and day out gets old and feeling that you have no control over it, well that, to me, is the kicker. So this current task my company is asking for, my development plan, is suppose to help me achieve my goals. But what are my goals, were do I want to be in 6 month, one year or five years from now? Hard to say.

My interest is not software, I am not a programing nerd, I am a teacher that happens to teach software. I was lucky to walk into this job, allowing me to use what ever skills I may happen to have as a teacher, to teach software. I love the creative process of teaching and developing the courseware. But I would be just as happy teaching paper folding  as I am teaching software. In truth, I love to teach, plane and simple. So were do I go from here.

Do I decide its time to change gears, quit and find a new job teaching, giving up 15 years with the company, leaving my many friends and the comfort of what I know? Or do I find ways to make this work, stick it out and hope for the best? This is the dilemma, and this is why I hate having to do this.

The frustration is with myself and work, but more with myself. I understand and know, internally, that I have the power within me to fix it. I can accept it or not. If I accept it, than I have to stop the bitching about it, move on and keep on keeping on. If I decide to not accept it, than I have to fix it or leave. Either way accept or not, I have to get over it and move on.  And that is what this document represents to me, I have to decide what I want and articulate it in this document. And I don’t want to face it, I don’t want to think about it, but I am being forced to.

 

In away, I am feeling like Charlie Brown, I know I am unhappy, but I just don’t know why. I need my Linus,

Sometimes questions . “So, tell me about yourself”, “where do you see yourself in five years”, are questions you need to hear, even when we don’t like them. I know that this task set before me is driving me nuts, but I also know it is something that I have to face, sooner rather than later.

God Bless and Happy Lent

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

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Posted by on March 26, 2012 in Ego, Life, work

 

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Weeping is the new laughing


Laugh

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As I was searching for my daily positive quote to post on my Facebook page I ran across this one:

"Laugh and the world laughs with you,
weep and you weep alone."
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I liked it, it struck me for some reason. My first reaction to it was, this is not true anymore, the world loves to weep with you. The world has moved on, and weeping is the new laughing. And I feel, in someway, that this is true. We seem to have become a society that thrives on the negative, that looks for opportunities to feel slighted or misused. We want to be able to feel like a victim, even when we are not.

What proof do I have of this, none really, just my observations. Watch TV in the late morning early afternoon and you will find TV courtrooms with people pleading there cases for all the world to see. Tune into the nightly news and watch as our neighbors and fellow citizens play the race card or demand equality were no equality is guaranteed.

The Casey Anthony trial is a perfect example of weeping over laughing. People lined up hours before the door opened to the court room, rushed in, pushed people out of the way, all to get a seat in the belly  of one of our nations shameful moments. We clamored to out TVs to get updates and to see her reactions. When we as a nation should have been ashamed of what was done, we turned it into a media opportunity, a mini-series of reality. And when the not guilty verdict was announced,  we yet again showed out national obsession with weeping. Hundreds of people made pilgrimages to the shallow grave site where she was found, setting up a makeshift memorial.

Why is that bad, in-of-it-self it is not, feeling emotion for the loss of life and feeling that justice was not served are both valid. But what is not valid is the obsession of the nation, the pushing and shoving of people, who did not even know her or anyone in the family. Had no ties to the case, yet they felt compelled to miss work, stand in line, shove and push to get a “good” seat, as if it was a rock concert of some sort. The fact that thousands left gifts at a makeshift memorial, spent hours in lines to do so, yet has never had any dealing with the family in the past.

The weeping to the point of obsession is the replacement to laughter. We as a nation have become obsessed with the need to feel slighted and put out. We look for and find, how ever obscure it may be, reasons to weep, reasons to feel oppressed and put upon. We avoid reasons to laugh and to make light of situations. In fact if we do make light of situations we are looked down upon, we are considered cold and uncaring. If we do not make opportunities to weep we are considered odd or aloof.

Find a reason to laugh today…

 

God Bless

Paul

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Posted by on July 22, 2011 in Death, Family, History, Life, Media, news, Radio

 

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The Drama…. continued yet again


Confirmationed1894page324Puk

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This coming week is a big week in the continuing story of the Drama. This week I head of to court to get the final court appointed guardianship papers. Wednesday he will no longer have to worry about who will care for him, if he will be removed from the house or what his legal status is. As of Wednesday afternoon he will be under my care.

Now for those that know me, they may be saying an extra prayer for the young man, and wondering if the state knows what they are doing…. But rest assured, he will be safe and sound. With Christmas upon us, he has already received one of his gifts, the gift of a family that loves him, a family that wants him and who will care for him.

I know I should no-longer be in shock, but I am, I just do not understand his “mother”. How can his own blood treat him as something that can be discarded, like an old used tire? How can she sleep at night? I just don’t get it.

Sure, he has his “problems”, he thinks he should be able to do as he pleases, he thinks he is all that, and a bag of chips and he thinks all adults are stupid. But what teen does not? These are normal everyday teen issues. With a little discipline, love and understanding, he has grown and changed, and with more of the same, he will become an outstanding member of society, one that will add joy to this world.

Her idea of child rearing is to be their friend, to let them do as they please and to treat them as an equal. None of which work, and never will work. Parents are not friends to their children, they are parents. Discipline is not a bad think, it is, if used correctly, a tool that will help shape your child. But in her mind, it took time away from her, and she wanted all her time to be hers. The children she brought in to the world are nothing more than a burden. They are not something to nurture and love, but rather something to dismiss and use as fashion accessory. To bring them along to show off, and to dismiss when they are no-longer fashionable, that happens about the teenage years. I just don’t get it!

But at least I know the one that lives with me and the one that is currently with their father will do fine. It is the youngest one that I am not concerned with. At the age of 9 he is still fashionable, but soon he will no-longer be, soon he will be disregarded like the others. His father is fighting for him, so I pray that soon he too will be same and sound, in a home that love and discipline are used, But until then I worry.

I know her, she is unstable at best and I would have to say a tad-bit crazy, she has already moved to a new “home” with out telling her husband where she is, what is to stop her from just picking up and moving out-of-state? Nothing, she cares for know one but herself, so she has nothing keeping her rooted her or anywhere. She is basically NUTS! But we all know this….

Well, the drama, at least for one, will end this Wednesday, lets hope and pray that it will also end soon for the youngest brother. Keep praying for them all

God Bless

Paul

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Posted by on December 12, 2010 in Family, Growing Up, Life, Love, youth

 

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The Vote, The Voice


Electors vote in Vigo

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We have just under two weeks left until November 2nd and the vote to take back what is ours, our state and our country. What scares me is people will look at the pool numbers and decide not to vote, thinking that there vote will not matter. How wrong you are, every vote matters, every voice must be heard. Win or lose, when you vote you have make a difference, you have helped to shape this great nation of ours for the next generation.

The vote is our voice the vote is our privilege and responsibility, it is our proof of freedom. Many Americans have died to preserve our right to vote, and many more in the course of history will do so. When we do not vote we are disrespecting the life of the Americans who have given all to allow you to vote.

The political system is not perfect, and yes sometimes mistakes happen and yes sometimes fraud even takes place, but that is not the failure of the vote, but of the people. Your voice, your one vote (unless your in Chicago) counts, it means something and it is the most precious of gifts.

November 2nd of 2010 is going to be historic, no matter who wins, our voice/vote will be heard and our decision will shape history. This midterm election is the starting line for the 2012 presidential election, this is our one chance to shape American not only for 2012 but beyond.

So study up on the issues and candidates, if you have not already done so, and get up early and vote early, lets flood the polling places and show the world what freedom looks like. Make a stand, choose your fight and fight hard, let your voice ring out in to the darkness of oppression and tyranny,. Stand up tall and vote with confidence and pride.

The American way is placed squarely on your shoulders, it is yours to preserve or loose, what will you decide to do on November 2nd?

God Bless

Paul

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Posted by on October 20, 2010 in Election, Freedom, History, Politics

 

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The gift of grudge


2316677591_6654e4ce6f With Mothers Day upon us, it is time to reflect on our mother, both earthly and those that are no longer with us. The other day I posted a blog about having parents, or better yet, the blog was tong in cheek about needing to prove I had parents on my birth certificate. But it did cause me a moment to stop and reflect upon them. Both my parents have passed on, my dad has been gone some thirteen years and my mom has been gone four years or so.

As a child of parents, as we all are, the loss of a parent is difficult at best. But the loss of the surviving parent is even harder. It is at this point that I think you realize that your life is not indefinite that you too will one day pass on. I was heart broken when I lost my dad, I felt a section on my life drift away. But I still had my mom there to feel that connection to life, that connection to my being. It was in-fact them that brought me into being, working in cooperation with God. So with the loss of them both, so in a way, I saw the death of my creators. I saw an end of a time of walking on earth with my loving parents, who out of love created me, loved me, even when I deserved no love. I saw my earthly parents parish from this life, and God willing enter in to the next.

It is kind of ironic that I had to search for and find my birth certificate that listed my mom and dad’s names. That I had to prove that they existed. Life has a way of calling our attention to facts at odd moments. God does work in mysterious ways. At this point in time my relationships with my siblings are strained at best. The one I am closest to, my sister, we have not truly talked to each other is over two months, my other sister and I have not talked since my mothers passing and my brothers, well its a strange relationship at the best of times.

It is sad that we all do not get along, that past issues prevent us from maintaining a relationship today. Some of it is me, I know, and some of it them. It is shared equally between us. Each of us have a little bit of our mother in us. Mom was able to hold a grudge up until the end. She only had one sibling, a sister, they had not talked to each other in over 20 years. And in truth it started over a silly painting that was hung in my mom and dads bedroom. Salt was added to the wound when my dad passed away and my moms sister could not find it in her heart to send a card with even a hint at tenderness. All five of us children seemed to receive this “gift” from our mother.

We all seem to be able to hold onto a grudge for years, and as we all know, the longer we hold the grudge the deeper the roots get. My dad use to always say that mom could remember dates, times and exact conversations so she could bring them all back up in a fight. She held on to them all, just incase. Was this true, well sort of, she did have a good memory, and she did use her ability to recall facts. And at times it did seem that she kept them just incase she needed them to win an argument. But who knows…

But back to the blog…

So I found it kind of interesting that at a time in my life, in fact for the first time in my life, my relationship with my brothers and sisters are as such, that I currently am not enjoying a positive and happy one with any of them. It saddens me that this is the case. I enjoy family, but I do not enjoy the stress and strain that sometimes comes with it. And in a way the politics of families is even more confusing and dangerous that the politics of the country. The politics of the country are all played out for an end, they have reasons for what they do, they have an end in mind. But family politics, well that’s a whole different monster, often times the politics are played out with no end in mind. The end game never seems to happen and the parties involved just dig in deeper. This seems to be the case with me and my other siblings. Once again, I know that some of it is my doing, I am not claiming to be an innocent by-stander. No, i know full-well what I have done and have not done. I know where I have tried and where I have failed or not tried at all.

But the past week has caused me to pause and think, to ponder the facts and to reflect upon the nature of family. The fact that I am preparing to travel to India for two weeks has caused me to think. Normally I would be in contact with my one sister, asking for her help in watching over my house or just talking about how excited I am about the trip, I love to travel. But this time around, no such conversation took place. I have someone to watch my house, truth be told I always have someone to watch it, I as a neighbor to check up on it, and I have a nephew who lives her, so he will make sure the dog is feed and plants have water. So in truth she is not needed to watch my house. I just felt better knowing that my sister was overseeing it all. Normally my sister would also keep me up-to-date concerning her life, but this past week she was in the DC area, and I had no idea, I was never told. Not that she has to tell me, but normally she would have, normally she would have even asked if I wanted to come along. 

So the gift of grudge holds strong in my family, its a gift that just seems to keep on giving. recently I went to confession for the first time in years. It was an experience that I will enjoy again, and on a more regular bases, I felt the warmth love of God filling my soul and spilling over into my heart. I felt the healing grace of God and knew I had to start to make changes in my life. So I started, I have invited all my siblings to the graduation party for my nephew. Even the ones that I truly do not want to see.  Don’t know if this is a good idea or not, because some may not come because the others will be there, so it may end up that none of them come.

I also am trying to learn that I too must change, that I too need to let go and to grow. But it is a hard lesson for me. The ironic part is that in the process of letting go and in growing that may truly mean that the my relationships with my family my never be the same, that I may never have a relationship with them again.  But if its because I have grown and I have truly let go of all the grudges, well than that’s ok, that’s just life. But on the flip side of the coin, this process of growing and letting go may bring us all closer together, who knows. All I know is that I need to let go and I need to grow. So more confessions for me and more soul searching in the very near future. As for my brothers and sisters, well all I can do is offer up my prayers and keep an open door. As of now the door is open, but only a little, I still have it blocked.

My mom gave us many wonderful gifts, she was a kind person with a big heart. She was understanding and loving. The whole h
olding a grudge thing, well I think that was a gift from her mother… But that truly is a whole different blog. As for this blog, well I just want to say:

I miss my mother most at times like this, at times  when I need her hugs and understanding, and her words of truth. I miss her most when I prepare to leave on trips, she was always so happy and excited for me. They were times when I knew I made her proud of me. I miss her most when my heart is heavy with sadness or confusion and I miss her most when I an filled with joy and wonder. My mom was my best friend, and someone I knew I could count on to always tell me the truth, no matter the hurt that may come with it. I respected her and loved her for that gift.  This mothers day I will offer up a special prayer, a prayer to my mother that she may still look over me and still tell me all that I need to hear. I will offer up a prayer filled with deep pain in the loss of her and filled with a deep love that can not be filled by anything upon this earth. I will ask God to bless her soul and to bring her home to him. I will pray that my moms love is never ending and that I may continue to feel her working in my life. I will pray that my love for her will only grow and never diminish.  This mothers day I give to my mom  the only gift I can, I will give the gift of love and devotion. A gift of my self and my actions. A gift of my thoughts and my being.

Mom, I miss you and love you!

Your loving son

Paul

Confessions (Penguin Classics)
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Colossians 4:5-6“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

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