Mother, Daughter and John 15:13

A friend of mine was texting me the other night with issues she was having with her daughter, Mothers Day had come and passed and all she received from her daughter was a text stating Happy Mothers Day. Shallow and cold, I will admit, but not unexpected. The relationship between them has always been a bit strained. Even as a young child, the daughter is now in her 20’s, she was a self-centered child. Looking to always serve her own interest. The blame, as always, lies between the parents and the personality of the child.

Her parents are divorced, I do not know the father, but know the mother well. She holds on to the divorce live a badge, she will not let it go, never have and most likely never will. She is bitter and hurt. For what I do not know, for I only know one side of the story. And as we all know, one side of a two-sided story is never enough. What I do know is the deep roots this divorce has caused. I have known the mother for over 15 years, at one time we dated, and we have remained friends after the break-up. Her lack of ability to let it go causes much pain in her and those around her, this, of course, cause issues with-in the family unit. From what I can tell, based on what I have been told by the mother and the kids, she has two, a boy and girl, the father is not very concerned with rules. He is laid back and not very concerned with structure. Is that the case, I do not know, like I said I have never had the change to meet him. But it is the narrative played out in the kids and mother.

The mother, she is controlling and likes structure, she is deeply emotional and likes lots of affirmations, one could say she is needy.  Is she a bad person, no, I think she has a big heart and means well, but I do think she has a difficult time defining love, to me it seems she places a tangible value on love and fails to see love as intangible. She needs to “see” love, the feeling is not enough.

Sure, I will be the first to admit Love is many things, tangible and intangible, but I will also be the first to admit that Love is not one thing, it’s not seeing over feeling, and Love does not always show it self in the ways we would expect. Sometimes the smallest of acts, a smile at just the right moment, says Love more than the words could ever do, Sometimes, but not Always…

Sometimes that same smile can be spiteful and hurtful… Love is…. What is it?

The bible offers us many passages about love, but the one that came to mind when I was talking to my friend, trying to help her through the latest issue with her daughter was this…

John 15:13

¹³ Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

^{New American Standard Bible (NASB)}

 

Why this passage of all passages… The Holy Spirit works in odd ways, let me tell you….

Some back ground of the conversations:

As I said, the daughter text her “Happy Mothers Day” her son, who is in Mexico as part of his seminarian training, called her and talked for 2 hours. A drastic difference, but the two kids are as different as night and day, so not unexpected. But back to the issue at hand.

She asked me what I thought of it all, my response, What did you expect from her. Her response, Love. This conversation went on for about 45 minutes (by the way, I hate texting).

She asked for my advice on what she should do, my advice, same as it has been for a few years now, Stop expecting what she will not provide you. Her response, What, I should not expect my daughters love.

Not exactly what I was talking about, I explained that she loves you, but you will never get the response you want, and if you keep setting yourself up for disappointment, that’s what you will always get.

Still no go, her questions, Is it so wrong for a mother to want her child’s love. My response, No, it’s not wrong, but you cannot force anyone to love you in the way you want or need. Love does not force, it does not control and it is not needy. She did not really like that response from me. Sometimes the truth hurts.

But she knows me well, and she knows I always speak my mind and tell it as I see it. No harm was intended and I am sure no harm was done. So she asked for clarification.

My clarifications, We have to learn to accept the love that is offered, not try to change the love to be what we want. This did not help. She still felt that love was a tangible thing.

Her plan of action

The daughter’s birthday is next month, so her plan is to give her daughter a photo of the three of them, the mother and the two kids. Sounds nice, unless you know the daughter, and I do… She will reject this, not because she hates her brother and not because she hates her mother, but she will reject it out of spite. Just to retain the control over her mother. The more she rejects her mom, the more control she has over her. Her mothers need for tangible love is strong, and her mothers need to control is strong (she is a passive aggressive controller).So the rejection of the photo would only lead to the mother feeling hurt and trying to figure out what she can do to earn her daughters love. This, of course, gives the daughter all the power, and the mother none.

My response to the planed gift, Not a good idea. Do not play into her hands. So what than should I do, was her next question.. Text her, Happy Birthday, and offer her a dinner. Leave it at that… She was not happy with that recommendation. Her concern, if the daughter rejects the dinner invite, that would hurt more, and she really wants to give the photo and birthday card.

The real concern, she wants to gain the upper hand, to have control, to tug at her daughter’s heart-strings, and she thinks the family photo will do the trick.

But she is missing the point, the text and dinner offer gives her the control, the daughter would not expect the same treatment she gives her mother. Now some would say I was being childish, but I beg to differ. The response is not meant to hurt, but to level the playing field, to stop setting oneself up for one disappointment after another, to start to accept the kind of love the daughter was offering and to learn that sometimes we must let go.

So this is the point where I offered my bible verse:

¹³ Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

The point of the passage was missed on her. But it was too late at night for me to get in to is, so I told her to think on it. She asked me to send her an email explaining it to her, so this post is my response (I will only send her the part concerning the passage, all the above back ground information is for us only…Unless she reads this blog…)

Why did that passage pop into me head as a good passage to use? What was the Holy Spirit leading me to? And how do I explain it? Well here I will try:

When most people read that passage, the first think that comes to mind is Jesus upon the cross, offering up His life for our sins. Offering it up freely… WOW, that is true love and friendship. So most of us think of it as the ultimate act of sacrifice for love and friendship, to offer ones life, and it is, if it is not takes to lightly. We read stories and see it on the news, people placing themselves in danger for a child or a loved one, we even see it being done for total strangers (think Boston Marathon bombing).

The gift of life should never be taken lightly and should never be given lightly. But is that the only way one can lay down ones life for a friend? I think not!

*Parents lay down their life for their children on a daily basis. Not always by risking death, sometimes it is by stand by their child through a sickness or by supporting a child through hard times. The love of a parent knows no bounds. The parent knows that rejection of the love is always a possibility, but it is offered anyway, parents know a child my do something that may go beyond anything they may have ever dreamed their child was capable of (think school shootings), but even than a parent will stand by their child. They may not approve of the child’s actions, they may even be the ones to turn them in to the authorities, but there love for that child does not falter. They are willing to take the mean words offered to them by others who do not understand, that will defend their child even if it means they to are persecuted. This is a death they are willing to undertake for their child. Not a physical death, but yet, it is still a death.

Consider a parent of an addict, they offer help and forgiveness to their child, they take them in and support them, only to have the addiction take over their child, yet again. But they continue to support and make excuse for the child, to shelter them from the crudeness of the world. Thinking that they are helping the child, suffering with the child, only to see the child falter again. This is not laying down ones life, it is protection of ones own life. The child needs to learn how to fail, so they can learn how not to fail. For the parent this means to let the child fail, and in doing so, they to will feel the failures the disappointments and resentment of and from the child. This is a death, but like the death of Jesus, there is a resurrection, a new life.

The new life comes from the child’s understanding that actions have consequences, that the addiction causes pain. But if the parent kept sheltering the child, the pain is always shifted to the parent, the child takes no responsibility for their actions. But by the parent allowing the child to feel the failure the parent is also allowing the child to grow to learn and to experience a new life. And the parent is also allowed to grow, to learn and to experience a new life. This most likely will not happen in tandem with each other, the parent may experience the new life before the child even realizes what has just happened, or the parent may take years to come to terms with the fact that they allowed their child to fail. But in the end, Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends… And a life can be laid down in many ways.

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

* The examples are given to illustrate a point, I am not implying that this is always the case. And before anyone starts yelling at me about the addiction example, yes I do understand additions, yes, I know what I am talking about… But remember, it was an example, not a real life situation, so deal with it…

 

 

 

 

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The Sound of Electronic Silence

Cover of Sounds of Silence (Exp)

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

Sounds Of Silence By: Simon & Garfunkel

The song has an quality to it that makes it seem kind of dark, almost eerie feeling. Some would consider it a depressing song, a song with no hope. But I hear it differently, I hear it as a song of inner peace, a song searching for the meaning of self, the meaning of life, to me it is a song of becoming.

In todays world of connectedness, Wi-Fi and smart phones, we are never to far from being connected to someone or something. In fact we are frightened of being non-connected, of being off the grid as it were. Silence is the “monster under the bed” of many, they fear it, but have no rational reason to do so.

Recently I took a vacation to Koln Germany, I brought my iPad and smart phone, the iPad for reading and checking up on my home via Facebook and the smart phone, just incase I needed to call home. The phone was on, but never used, in-fact a few times it lost its charge, the iPad, well it was on daily, to read the news of the day and to check in on the doings of the two young lads who were watching over my home and pets, and to read. My postings to my Twitter (@paulsposite) and Facebook were at a stand still, and my blogging was put on the back burner. The sound of silence was welcomed, and was filled with real conversations with real people.

Wait, how can I say that, how can the silence be filled with conversation? What do I mean? What the hell am I talking about?

Silence comes in many different flavors, there is, of course, the traditional silence, no sound at all, just the nothingness that surrounds you. This silence is very useful, allowing you to become fully aware of yourself and your surroundings. I have talked about this kind of silence before, the need for it in our lives, even if its just 15 minutes per day, a time to reset and replenish your energy. I have spoken about how Jesus used this time time of silence to hear His Fathers commands and how we need to do the same. But this is not the silence I am referring to today, today I am referring to the digital silence, the silence of electronics. The need to replace the buzz of phones and instant messaging with the hum of humanity.

The world we are living in, is a world of connections, we are connected to each other  in ways we have never seen. We have Facebook friends and Twitter alliances, we instant message each other on our way to be with each other and than continue to message others why we are with each other. We are fearful of being disconnected, we are fearful that we will miss out, we are fearful of the silence of technology.

I love technology, and use it daily, I live on my iPad, I like keeping up with my friends and family and reading the latest news events as they happen, but I also love the down time, the time for me to just sit and be still. When I first got my iPad I was on it every waking hour, posting every  news article I read, and every quote I heard. I felt connected, I felt as if I was contributing to the massive world discussion of politics and current events. I still do post, more than some but less than others, but I have cut back, I have learned lessons and I have become friends with silence once more. Now most nights I post a few things, but for the most part my iPad is closed and away from me. Why the change, why did I give it up, if it was truly something I enjoyed? Simple, the stacks of magazines, books and other stuff that goes unread, the projects that are delayed and the time for silence that is lost. I was replacing all my enjoyment with one thing, the iPad and the net had become my single place of activity. The books I intended to read have collected dust, the magazines I subscribe to have gone unread and in many cases unopened. The projects I have started around the house are 1/2 finished or barley started and all the great plans I have made are just that, plans but no actions.

Is it the fault of the iPad, Facebook or Twitter, nope, its all mine, I allowed them to fill up the silence, I allowed them to take over and become my anti-silence. There is a time and a place for Facebook and Twitter, the iPad offers me many great opportunities to be silent, I have many great books downloaded that I could be reading, I have the ability to work on some of the projects I have started or want to start, its not the fault of technology, but the fault of my use of it.

My To-do list is long, but my actions are short. My personal silent time was lacking, but this is changing. My time in Germany, on my vacation, allowed me to once again remember the quality time I had when I had the time for silence. I remembered that the iPad does not own me, but I own it, I remembered that there is an On and Off switch on it, that if it can be turned on, it can also be turned off. I like that… I think it’s a lesson most of us need to learn, that what can be turned on, The TV, the Radio, the Computer or iPad, MP3 player, all it can also be turned off. The book that is closed can be opened, the magazine that sits there can be picked up. The walk you have been talking about can become reality and the quiet evening spent with good friends over a glass of wine can happen with out the smart phones. Life can exist with out being connected, life did before Wi-Fi and it can do so once again.

We need to re-learn that missing a phone call will not end our life, that not posting our current global position every 15 minutes will not cause the earth to spin off its axis and that our Facebook friends do not really need to know what we are eating or reading or watching every moment of the day. We need to understand that Twitter will still be Twittering with out our little comments and life will go on with or without our input.

The lesson will be hard, we have become so use to posting and tweeting that it almost seems second nature. But life will go on, technology is not the essence of life, this is a hard, true fact.

We need to remember that Wi-Fi cannot replace Face to Face, that Facebook is not the same as “Lets do dinner” and that a tweet is not the same as conversations over a glass of beer. Each have there time and purpose, but one cannot, and should not, replace the other. Reading a good book, be it paper or electronic cannot be replaced by reading the tweets of some celebrity you decided to stalk, and video chatting with your loved ones is not the same as dinner and a movie.

With the Christmas season upon us, maybe we should consider this. Maybe this year when we are buying all our gifts, maybe we could venture out of the electronics department and look in the old fashion game department, you know the ones were you have to sit face to face to play, were you have plastic game pieces and paper money. Or maybe this year when you are planning your Christmas party you could make it a mandatory Electronics Free Zone Party. No Phones, smart or otherwise, no iPads or other Wi-Fi connected devices. Maybe even have a few board games and deck of cards out, maybe you can even communicate directly to each other, you know face to face.. Just a thought….

Look for the opportunities to become electronic free, look for times you can be “Off the Grid” and enjoy the silence of no electronics in your life. Rediscover live that is Twitter free, learn to live a life of no Facebook, even if its for just a few hours per day, make rules for when the smart phones must become silent, establish a time with all OFF buttons must be in use. It can be done, my friends in Germany, they do something very radical, they turn off the power to there modem when they are done using the computer… They disconnect from the grid, and they survived! We can do it, I know we can, besides the benefit of not being connected to the web, you will also save energy… It’s a big step, and I admit, I am not there yet, but I am thinking about it. If I did do that, if I did turn the power off to my modem, not only would I not be able to surf the web, post my amazing input to Facebook, but I would also not be able to watch TV. My TV is run through my computer, I cut the cord and dished the dish years ago. The lack of internet would also turn my iPad into a very expensive e-reader and my books and magazines would become more accessible.

Now its true, its not very hard to turn it back on, but the process takes time, I would have to reboot the computer, log in and make sure all the programs are running that need to be running for my TV to work, to the time it takes would be a deterrent to just turning the TV on because I can. Its something to consider.

Lots to consider…

God Bless

Paul Sposite

Guided Insight Life Coach

 

Ring in the New Year with the good ol’ Bush Tax Cuts

A lot of press has been used on the Bush Tax Cuts, they were set to expire today. The liberals rang out with the same old “Cut’s for the rich” mantra, yet if you took the time to read the facts you would see that this is just not true. The Bush Tax Cuts did shift the burden of taxes, but not to the poor like many liberals would claim, but to the rich. 

In 2002 the latest year of available data, the top 5 percent of taxpayers paid more than one-half (53.8 percent) of all individual income taxes, but reported roughly one-third (30.6 percent) of income.

The share of taxes paid by the bottom 50 percent of taxpayers will fall from 4.1 percent to 3.6 percent.Source: U.S. Treasury, Office of Tax Analysis (read article here)

I get so frustrated when I try to have conversations with the liberals about the tax cuts. There are two main points that upset me the most. The first is just the simple fact that the argument that the tax cuts hurt the poor and make the rich richer… The facts just don’t prove it, as the two bullet points above show. It is just an out-and-out lie. Yet the media and liberals keep saying it. And many just keep believing it.  The first argument is fact, the second argument is not.

The second argument is based on ideology. The liberal ideology goes something like this:

It is wrong for people to make more money then others, it is unfair that there hard work should be rewarded off the back of their workers.

There are several variations of that ideology, but the basics are all the same, it is unfair…. What is unfair? Is it unfair if one baseball team earns more on ticket sales than an other? Is it unfair if one CEO makes less than another? Is it unfair if one child gets an “A” on their report card and others only get “C”s? Fairness has nothing to do with equality. A baseball game is fair when all the rules are the same, a grade a student receives is fair when each student is afforded the same opportunity to receive an “A”. (Fairness)

the other part of the argument is based on the idea of “To Much”:

They just earn too much, the profits that company made is grotesque.

Who determines what is too much and what is not? What is the standard that is used? Does the scale change based on were you live, the size of your family or the type of work you do? Or is it just a value the liberals toss out when every they want to rally the troops?

At my place of work we have one benefit that was not removed from us that most other companies have, free coffee. Yep, I can drink all the free coffee, tea or hot coco I want and they provide free filtered water. Too some this may seem a bit silly to even bring it up, but trust me I have a point. At my place of employment we also receive bonuses every quarter and they just placed a ping-pong table in an old unused classroom. So yes, my company tries to make the work environment fun and relaxing. Now I do drink the coffee and get the bonus, but I do not use the ping-pong table. Such is life, I don’t play ping-pong. Now if it was an air hockey table I would be in their playing, but it’s not so I don’t.

So what does all this have to do with fairness and the bush tax cuts… I’ll tell you, I work with a young man who sees the free coffee as unfair, he don’t drink it, and there for he gains no benefit from it. In-fact he sees it as a loss to his bonus. Yet he does play ping-pong and see nothing wrong with that. Now some may think he has a point, the coffee has to be replenished yet the ping-pong table is a one time fee. Yep, he tried that one on me, and he is correct, it is a one time fee for the table, but the room it takes up, the old classroom, does cost the company each and every month in rent. I am willing to be the rooms rent is more than the coffee per month.

You see, fairness to him, was only what he thought effected him negatively, when I brought up the fact that the room rent was more than the coffee, well lets just say he decided he was only “joking” about the coffee. If that is true, that was the longest joke I have ever heard, because we have worked together for over 8 years and for most of the 8 years he was complaining about the “fairness” of free coffee. Now I don’t hear that so much. Hmmm, interesting isn’t it…

The two arguments that the liberals use to scare people about the Bush Tax Cuts are nothing but lies and a screwed up definition of fairness… All will benefit from the extension of the Bush Tax Cuts, yes the poor as well as the rich.  The liberals need to stick to the truth, they need to base there fights on facts, not on their own skewed view of the world. Fairness and equality are not the same thing, It is fair to offer all the same chances to achieve wealth in this great nation of ours, but the results will not, and should not, be equal. Some will work harder than others to achieve wealth, and yes some will just have dumb luck and stumble in to it. Me, I say “God bless them all” and “Good Luck”. And yet others will work just has hard and achieve nothing and some will lose it all. To them I say “God Bless” and “Keep working at it”. Is that fair? Nope it’s not, but such is life, was that equality at work, Yep it sure was, each and every one of us has the opportunity to achieve greatness, yes some of us may have to work harder than others to achieve it, be we all have the same opportunity to pursue happiness, that does not mean we will all arrive at it.

So may this New Year bring you all the opportunity to achieve greatness, and may you, be it through hard work or just dumb luck, find it.

God Bless

Paul

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Stand up

Image via Wikipedia

Below is a poll question from the Pew Research Center. I find the question interesting. Based on my conversations with most of my friends I am not sure I would get the same response, most of my friends with in the faith are liberals and they have a basic feeling that the Catholic faith is just one flavor or Christianity, and any flavor can do the job.

Well read the poll question and the response and than I will say more…

 

Pew Research Center for the People & the Press/Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life Religion & Public Life Survey, Jul, 2008

(Which of the following religions do you think can lead to eternal life?) Do you think that…Catholicism, the Catholic religion…can lead to eternal life, or not? [ Q.55B ]

Yes 73%

No 14%

Don’t know/Refused 13%

Subpopulation/Note: Asked of non-Catholics who have a religious affiliation and who said many religions can lead to eternal life.
Survey by Pew Research Center for the People & the Press, Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life. Methodology: Interviewing conducted by Abt SRBI, July 31 – August 10, 2008 and based on 2,905 telephone interviews. Sample: National adult. 2254 respondents were interviewed on a landline telephone and 651 were interviewed on a cell phone, including 262 who had no landline phone.

 

I know the question is not asking is the Catholic Church the only way to eternal life, but knowing my Catholic liberal friends and the simple fact that they will choose other faiths over the Catholic faith when ever they can, they would respond with a no or an I don’t know rather than a resounding yes. 

It is a frustration of mine that I have had to deal with for years. For example one of my liberal friends and I were talking about Martian Luther and the whole reformation thing. I made the comment that yes, Martian may have had some valid points but the simple fact that he left the Church than rewrote parts of the bible and removed what he did not like discounts him in my eyes. And it has been discovered that he had a mental issue. Good old Martian was not of sound mind, at least not towards the end. You would have thought I just told her that her child was the spawn of satin! She went off on me, calling every name in the book and was offended like I have never seen before, in truth I found it funny.

For a second example I have another liberal friend whom I will meet for dinner every few month, we volunteered at the same Church for years together and have remained friends. Our dinners always revolve around politics, both secular and religious. This one particular dinner we were discussing the new Bishop of Detroit, and his “house cleaning” he was doing in the main offices. He was reorganizing, removing and moving everything and everyone. To me it was a good thing, something that truly needed to be done years ago, to her it was an evil thing, she saw it as a way for him to get rid of the truly “educated” (code word for liberal) people. As we discussed this current issue she made the comment that all the Bishop does is pray. The word pray was said in such a tone as to indicate that it was a bad thing, a taboo of sorts. I was dumbfounded, I had to reply except, and that is bad how? He r view was that when he needed to make decisions he would first go off and pray, so all he did all day was avoid making the hard decisions but using prayer as an excuse. Once again I was with out words, are we not suppose to pray? Are we not suppose to call on God and the Holy Spirit in times of need? And trust me Detroit is in a time of need.

I could go on and on with examples of how my liberal Catholic friends view the Church. The sad part is they are both involved in educating our youth in the faith. I pray for them often.

So the Pew Research question is fascinating to me. Knowing my friends if I were to ask the same question I would not get the same results. truth be told, I would not be able to get much of a response at all, they often times refuse to give yes or no responses for fear of making a judgment statement, who know who they may offend with a solid yes or no, it is much better, in there eyes, to remain ambiguous. Less change of offending people. They do not concern themselves with offending God, because the Liberal mantra is “Jesus loves you”, so they are fine.

Being ambiguous is a danger, we are warned about this in the bible:

Revelation 3:16 (New International Version)

¹⁶So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Me, I believe in taking a stance, Yes or No, Right or Wrong, Up or Down. None of this maybe or I don’t know or what ever makes you feel good crap! God calls us to stand and deliver not to sit and wither. We do wither when we do not take a stance, when we do not firmly believe in our faith. Like a flower that is not given water, we too will wither away and die.

The liberal mind set is one that is programmed to avoid taking a stance, they view decisiveness and strong opinions as negative traits. It fills them with fear, a fear that they may have to actually believe in something, that they actually may have to accountable for their own actions. It is a deep rooted fear, one that is very protective of there host body. And when it is called in to action to protect them, it can get very nasty. I have witnessed this effect. The vale of fairness and open mindedness is dropped and the true liberal colors are shown. They are not the colors of the rainbow, radiating with the light of kindness and respect for others, but the color of darkness and shadows hiding from the light. It is a scary sight to say the least.

God Bless

Paul

Isaiah 40:31“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Brought to you by BibleGateway.com. Copyright (C) . All Rights Reserved.

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All Are Welcomed

Now that I am back home in the good old USA I have had time to reflect on my trip. As I posted I saw some amazing things in India and had a great time. But looking back at it, what made it such a great time was the people. The welcoming people of India. I have never, in all my world travels, felt more welcomed to a country and community than in India.

We, the Catholic Church, can and should learn a lot from the people of India. I had the opportunity to take a bus tour in Goa. I was the only non-Indian on the buss, the only single person with no tour companion. I was in Goa at the end of the holiday session, so most of the foreigners have left already and now was the time that the India people traveled to Goa. So in a way I was intruding on there time. The trip guide did his best to offer me English translations of what he was saying, but at best it was broken English. The first site we visited was a beach, we had 15 minutes to look around and relax. For that side trip I was on my own, not to bad, got off the bus, looked around and returned. The next site was a Church, it was at this site that I was welcomed into a family. They asked me to join them and they would make sure I found my way back on time. I accepted for two reasons, 1) I was not sure were the guide said the bus would be at the end of the 45 minutes 2) It is always nicer to see sights with outers, someone to talk to and all.

It turned out that this family was extremely nice and made efforts to include me in conversations and even in our afternoon meal. They refused to allow me to pay for my lunch and insisted that I was there guest. At the end of the trip I had been welcomed into three different families and have been offered a place to say in two different cities in India. We traded email address and have already corresponded.

So what is the lesson? What can Catholics learn from this? We can learn how to be open and accepting, how to truly live out our claim that “All are welcomed”. We can learn to open our families to others and to treat them as guest. I know I have learned a great deal.

 

God Bless

Paul

Baroque Goa: The Architecture of Portuguese India

Proverbs 15:1“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Brought to you by BibleGateway.com. Copyright (C) . All Rights Reserved.

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The gift of grudge

With Mothers Day upon us, it is time to reflect on our mother, both earthly and those that are no longer with us. The other day I posted a blog about having parents, or better yet, the blog was tong in cheek about needing to prove I had parents on my birth certificate. But it did cause me a moment to stop and reflect upon them. Both my parents have passed on, my dad has been gone some thirteen years and my mom has been gone four years or so.

As a child of parents, as we all are, the loss of a parent is difficult at best. But the loss of the surviving parent is even harder. It is at this point that I think you realize that your life is not indefinite that you too will one day pass on. I was heart broken when I lost my dad, I felt a section on my life drift away. But I still had my mom there to feel that connection to life, that connection to my being. It was in-fact them that brought me into being, working in cooperation with God. So with the loss of them both, so in a way, I saw the death of my creators. I saw an end of a time of walking on earth with my loving parents, who out of love created me, loved me, even when I deserved no love. I saw my earthly parents parish from this life, and God willing enter in to the next.

It is kind of ironic that I had to search for and find my birth certificate that listed my mom and dad’s names. That I had to prove that they existed. Life has a way of calling our attention to facts at odd moments. God does work in mysterious ways. At this point in time my relationships with my siblings are strained at best. The one I am closest to, my sister, we have not truly talked to each other is over two months, my other sister and I have not talked since my mothers passing and my brothers, well its a strange relationship at the best of times.

It is sad that we all do not get along, that past issues prevent us from maintaining a relationship today. Some of it is me, I know, and some of it them. It is shared equally between us. Each of us have a little bit of our mother in us. Mom was able to hold a grudge up until the end. She only had one sibling, a sister, they had not talked to each other in over 20 years. And in truth it started over a silly painting that was hung in my mom and dads bedroom. Salt was added to the wound when my dad passed away and my moms sister could not find it in her heart to send a card with even a hint at tenderness. All five of us children seemed to receive this “gift” from our mother.

We all seem to be able to hold onto a grudge for years, and as we all know, the longer we hold the grudge the deeper the roots get. My dad use to always say that mom could remember dates, times and exact conversations so she could bring them all back up in a fight. She held on to them all, just incase. Was this true, well sort of, she did have a good memory, and she did use her ability to recall facts. And at times it did seem that she kept them just incase she needed them to win an argument. But who knows…

But back to the blog…

So I found it kind of interesting that at a time in my life, in fact for the first time in my life, my relationship with my brothers and sisters are as such, that I currently am not enjoying a positive and happy one with any of them. It saddens me that this is the case. I enjoy family, but I do not enjoy the stress and strain that sometimes comes with it. And in a way the politics of families is even more confusing and dangerous that the politics of the country. The politics of the country are all played out for an end, they have reasons for what they do, they have an end in mind. But family politics, well that’s a whole different monster, often times the politics are played out with no end in mind. The end game never seems to happen and the parties involved just dig in deeper. This seems to be the case with me and my other siblings. Once again, I know that some of it is my doing, I am not claiming to be an innocent by-stander. No, i know full-well what I have done and have not done. I know where I have tried and where I have failed or not tried at all.

But the past week has caused me to pause and think, to ponder the facts and to reflect upon the nature of family. The fact that I am preparing to travel to India for two weeks has caused me to think. Normally I would be in contact with my one sister, asking for her help in watching over my house or just talking about how excited I am about the trip, I love to travel. But this time around, no such conversation took place. I have someone to watch my house, truth be told I always have someone to watch it, I as a neighbor to check up on it, and I have a nephew who lives her, so he will make sure the dog is feed and plants have water. So in truth she is not needed to watch my house. I just felt better knowing that my sister was overseeing it all. Normally my sister would also keep me up-to-date concerning her life, but this past week she was in the DC area, and I had no idea, I was never told. Not that she has to tell me, but normally she would have, normally she would have even asked if I wanted to come along. 

So the gift of grudge holds strong in my family, its a gift that just seems to keep on giving. recently I went to confession for the first time in years. It was an experience that I will enjoy again, and on a more regular bases, I felt the warmth love of God filling my soul and spilling over into my heart. I felt the healing grace of God and knew I had to start to make changes in my life. So I started, I have invited all my siblings to the graduation party for my nephew. Even the ones that I truly do not want to see.  Don’t know if this is a good idea or not, because some may not come because the others will be there, so it may end up that none of them come.

I also am trying to learn that I too must change, that I too need to let go and to grow. But it is a hard lesson for me. The ironic part is that in the process of letting go and in growing that may truly mean that the my relationships with my family my never be the same, that I may never have a relationship with them again.  But if its because I have grown and I have truly let go of all the grudges, well than that’s ok, that’s just life. But on the flip side of the coin, this process of growing and letting go may bring us all closer together, who knows. All I know is that I need to let go and I need to grow. So more confessions for me and more soul searching in the very near future. As for my brothers and sisters, well all I can do is offer up my prayers and keep an open door. As of now the door is open, but only a little, I still have it blocked.

My mom gave us many wonderful gifts, she was a kind person with a big heart. She was understanding and loving. The whole h
olding a grudge thing, well I think that was a gift from her mother… But that truly is a whole different blog. As for this blog, well I just want to say:

I miss my mother most at times like this, at times  when I need her hugs and understanding, and her words of truth. I miss her most when I prepare to leave on trips, she was always so happy and excited for me. They were times when I knew I made her proud of me. I miss her most when my heart is heavy with sadness or confusion and I miss her most when I an filled with joy and wonder. My mom was my best friend, and someone I knew I could count on to always tell me the truth, no matter the hurt that may come with it. I respected her and loved her for that gift.  This mothers day I will offer up a special prayer, a prayer to my mother that she may still look over me and still tell me all that I need to hear. I will offer up a prayer filled with deep pain in the loss of her and filled with a deep love that can not be filled by anything upon this earth. I will ask God to bless her soul and to bring her home to him. I will pray that my moms love is never ending and that I may continue to feel her working in my life. I will pray that my love for her will only grow and never diminish.  This mothers day I give to my mom  the only gift I can, I will give the gift of love and devotion. A gift of my self and my actions. A gift of my thoughts and my being.

Mom, I miss you and love you!

Your loving son

Paul

Confessions (Penguin Classics) Purchase this book and many others from the STATIC Shop, help support STATIC

 

Colossians 4:5-6“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Brought to you by BibleGateway.com. Copyright (C) . All Rights Reserved.

 

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The Story

About a year or two ago a friend gave me a book to read. It sounded very interesting, it was a thriller and love story and mystery and supernatural all rolled into one. I don’t know the authors name, and the name of the book slips me at the moment, but that’s really not that important for what I have to tell you.

Once I got the book I noticed that the front cover was marked up, the name had been crossed off and the authors name was removed and my friend wrote in there name. Odd I thought, but what ever. Maybe my friend just likes to deface their books, this was the first one they have given me to read. So I dived it to it.

As a read the book I noticed that every now and than a word or line was blacked out. Once again I thought how odd. I am one of those readers that takes very good care of the books I read. I am not a highlighter either in my enjoyment books or in my books on faith, I don’t highlight my bible, and I hate it when I purchase used books and the person for me not only highlighted by also wrote in the margins. But some people did do this, and my friend must be one of them because as I read on I started to notice that they began to replace names and word and complete sentences with there own. Characters that appeared on one chapter were completely removed from others, names of towns and cities changed from page to page and vital facts about the characters would be altered. In one chapter the main character would be betrayed as a loving and caring person and in the next the very same acts would be betrayed as violent or unloving. It was hard to truly understand the meaning and message of the story or to even follow the story. It was if each and every sentence could be a stand-alone, no need for anything prior or following. It was driving me nuts!

A few weeks after I received the book my friend asked me what I thought of it. Well, I told them, I said it was hard to read with all the revisions, mark ups and deletions of the original text. That I found it hard to understand and even harder to read. There response was just as baffling to me, they responded with “Well I decided that I wanted to make the story mine, that it was my personal understanding of the story”. I asked them what that meant, I said the author worked hard on writing the story, and that they, the author, had a plan and that by reworking the story, removing parts and changing details they had destroyed the original intent of the author.

They just looked at me as if I was from mars. They just didn’t understand. My friend replied “But I paid for it, it is mine now!” What could I say, I tried to explain that all they paid for was the right to read it, not to take ownership of it, that you are not the creator of it, you are just the enjoyer of the creation, as it was meant to be enjoyed.

But I let it go, I told them I would finish the book, and than we could talk. So I went back to reading this mess of a storyline. As I read on I found that my friend had removed a complete chapter. It was just torn out, like it didn’t matter to the complete story. I lost a whole unit, a whole section of the over all story, yet my friend just told me it really didn’t matter, that part of the story was just “filler” nothing that made a difference, that they just didn’t like what the author was saying, so the tore it out.

I did finish the book, it took me a long time because I kept re-reading parts of it, trying to fill in the gaps, but I did get to the end. Well in truth there was no end, my friend tore out the last few pages and glued in some blank pages. And written on the top of each page was “Make your own ending”.

I was at a loss for words. When me and my friend got together again I gave them back the book. They asked how I liked it, they stated that it was there favorite book, and that they reread it often, making changes to it as they see fit. I replied that I truly did not enjoy the book, that I found it to be incomplete and only a shadow of the authors intent. In fact I found it to be a waste of my time.

My friend looked hurt, but than there face lit up, and they said, well ya, I should have thought of that, you probable want your own copy to mare up and edit. What was I thinking… Why should you want my version of the story when you can create your own.

I just shook my head and gave a heavy sigh and said, no, that’s not it at all, What I want is the book at it was intended, the book that was written by the author to read with out your own personal input, not mine or anyone else a a matter-of-fact. I want to read the story from start to end with out having names and places and events changed or removed. I want the story told as it was meant to be told.

My friend just didn’t get it.  They just looked blankly at me, and eventually said “How sad that you don’t want to use your own mind, your own imagination.”

That was the last book I ever borrowed from them, but I have offered mine, with one rule, do not mark them up and read them from start to end as they are written. They do not take me up on my offer to much, they say it is to restricting. They feel oppressed and enslaved.

In truth I feel sorry for them, they can’t enjoy a story or event unless they create it the way they want it. The beginning, middle and end has to be to there design, there liking. It’s a control thing, they have to feel the power of control over the story. How truly sad.

The story above is not true, not really really true. The truth of the matter is this, they story is not based on one, but many, some I personally know and some I do not. The book does not exist, as far as I know and I never received such a book from anyone. The conversation, as it is written, never took place. But the intent of the story and conversation are based in fact.

What fact or facts is this based on, what story or stories is this take from? The facts are from my life and conversations with friends and others. The stories are from God.

In today’s world of secularism and liberalism there are many who do as my fictional friend does. They remove the lines in the bible they do not like, they rework the parts that can be used as justification and skip over or tear out the parts that contradict there actions and desires. And the worst part of it all, they feel they are doing so for the betterment of themselves. Not for others, because a liberal or individualistic person can not serve others, they may try, they may even perform acts but in truth they are serving themselves. They deny the divine author His authorship, they rewrite salvation history in to a self-serving history.

If I would have taken my “friend” up on there offer to write my own version of the book, they, my friend, would have been offended. My tru
ths would have conflicted with there, my storyline would have diverted from there’s.  My impressions and importance would have negated there’s.

One true author has written for us the true Salvation History, He has provided for us a perfect story, one of compassion and understanding. Yet some try to rewrite it, some try to embellish it and “improve” it. And some try to make the story fit there lives, try to trim it and reshape it to fit in the the small spot left on the bookshelf in their soul.

I do feel sad for them, I do pity them but most of all I do pray for them.

God Bless

Paul

Salvation History

1 Peter 1:18-19“For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.” Brought to you by BibleGateway.com. Copyright (C) . All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Saints

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Each day offers new and exciting opportunities, one never knows what one may fine tomorrow. That’s what I love about life, everyday can is new and can be exciting, if we only allow it.

One of the splendors of the Catholic Church are the Saints, ordinary people who offers us an extraordinary life as an example of how we are to live in Christ. The Church in Her wisdom knows that life is a struggle and God in His mercy has given us Saints to emulate and learn from.

Many Catholic websites offer a Saint of the Day email that can be used to help remind us of how we are to act. What I like about the saint of the day concept is this, each and every day a new and exciting offering is in my inbox. A new world to explore or a new name to read about. The lives of the Saints are anything except boring. Most Saints seem to have lived very hard lives and a few, well ok lots and lots of them lives what one might call a life of sin until their conversations.

You can read about child saints and saints who came along reluctantly. Sainthood is no cake walk and all to often it seems that the saints suffer more persecution than you and I could ever dream of. Yet the Church sees the glory in the suffering the redemption and the holiness. the Church, through the eyes of Jesus knows the souls of the saints and understands their power on us, here today, even thought they themselves may have passed on hundreds of  years before.

We believe in the communion of saints, a line we pray, or as in most cases we just say, each week at Church. But do we really understand this one simple statement from the credo? Do we truly understand the power of that one line, do we truly believe in the communion of saints?

God has established for us a communion of saints, He has given us a gift of living examples in times passed and yes, even in our own times. But not only has God given us people living in this world, but He has also given us the living souls in the after world. Remember God is the God of the living, living here in the material world as well as those living in the spiritual world.

Saints, the gift of examples offered to us all…

What an exciting world indeed, who knows the next person I talk to could be the next St. Thomas or St. Faustian or even The Venerable Pope John Paul II. Every person has the ability to become a saint, the only difference between St. Francis and you or I is choice. They chose to trust in God, they chose to suffer, they chose to follow in Jesus’ footsteps. We, well we give lip service to it all, we say we want to follow, but the path is to hard, we want to suffer but the pain is to much, we want to trust but we have been let down to often. Sainthood is not a live of ease, rather it is a life of earthly discontent and a prayer of submission.

I thank God for the likes of Mother Teresa and Pope John Paul II, modern day suffers along with Padre Pio and Fr. Solanus Casey along with Archbishop Fulton Sheen. Souls that seem to be made to sing the praises of the Lord. Each one of the modern day examples given to us by God offers a life time of refection and study. Each soul brings a new and exciting ingredient to the mix, creating a “Saint Stew” of sorts with in the Catholic Church. Each adding a flavor that is uniquely theirs yet at the same time ours. The communion of Saints, a gift of love is ever I saw one.

God Bless

Paul

Holy Terrors and Gentle Souls: Stories About the Saints

Luke 9:23-24“Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” Brought to you by BibleGateway.com. Copyright (C) . All Rights Reserved.

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I can't be Bothered

There are times I wonder why I even bother… Why do I bother writing this blog, why do I bother working so hard, why do I bother cleaning the house… Each of these things I am sure we all have asked ourselves, and yet we continue on bothering with them.

We are a people created in the image of God. We are created to long for Him, to seek Him out and to desire His love. But often times we just don’t bother or better yet, can’t be bothered with it all.

I have had the opportunity over the years to be on the receiving end of peoples rant on why they can not be bothered with Church or religion itself. The conversations are mostly the same…

“I know I should go to Church, but Sunday is my only day to….”

“I believe in God, I just don’t feel I should have to go to Church to show it”

“God and I have an understanding”

And the list could go on and on, but three is as good as three thousand. They all are excuses on why they can not be bothered with God. For the most part I just sit and listen, answer any questions they may have and than go on my way… But not always, sometimes I will dive in to the deep, take the questions and excuses and use them to educate them, use them to convert them, but in truth not very often do I do this, you see, I really can’t be bothered. I have this and that to do, I have to be here and there, and well to tell the truth, ain’t that your problem, I mean after all, I already do believe…

I have to admit that sometimes I feel that way, that I just can’t be bothered I have issues of my own to deal with. But I think it’s only human, by our very fallen nature we are selfish and self-centered. So it comes naturally to use to not want to be bothers by anyone, even God.

But it’s for that very reason that our faith life is so important to us, the fact that we have to be bothered that we have to make an effort, that is why Faith is so important, why Church is paramount to our salvation. It’s the simple fact the we bothered, the simple act of taking the time to pray, to help the helpless and offer it up.

So, yes sometimes I get the feeling that I just cant be bothered and sometimes I act on that feeling. And sometimes, just sometimes, I learn my lessons…

Paul

 

Responsibility, what happen to it?

What ever happen to  the concept of responsibility? It seems we have lost that somewhere along the way to enlightenment. As we grab onto those lofty ideas of inner growth and walk down the path of opening our minds, we seem to forget that we have an obligation to self, that we are responsible for our own actions.

In the modern world, all-to-often we hear people state “Not my fault”, “I didn’t know” or even “But, I wanted too” or something along those lines. the basic underling theme of each of them is the same, the lack of personal responsibility.

And the sickening part of it all is that we as a culture now think this is an appropriate response. We now expect and accept the concept that it was out of our control, that we had nothing to do with it, that a great force overtook us and we could not stop it, we were at it’s mercy, that we are the victims (because everyone loves being the victim).

My 17 year old nephew is a perfect example, or for that matter, any teen will prove the point. Ask a very direct question, such as did you_(fill in the blank)_? and 9 times out of 10 you will get the response of an excuse, a reason why they did not.  The question required a simple yes or no, nothing more nothing less, but what you get is reasons why they had no control over the situation. Now you may be saying, well that’s just teens, they all do that… And I will respond by saying, Yes you are correct they all do do it, and that’s my point! We, the adults, allow them to, because we, the adults, accept that, we nurture it in them. If we, the adults, did not allow it, than they, the teens, would not do it. Example, when my nephew, or any other teen, responds to a simple yes or no question my response is “That’s not what I asked you”. I didn’t ask for the six million reasons why the dishes are still in the sink, or why you lost your phone or anything else, what I asked was “Did you _____?”. Simple question requiring a simple response. And the funny thing is, he now knows (for the most part) that he needs to respond to the question, and not play the victim of his own lack of responsibility, in fact, the scary part of all this is, that most youth I deal with learn this lesson rather quickly from me, because I do not allow them to skip over personal responsibility when they are responding or talking to me.

But as long as we, the adults, allow them to continue placing the blame elsewhere, as long as we accept and expect them to do so, they will continue to do so. But, and this is a big but, we must also take stock in our own lack of personal responsibility. We as adults do the same exact thing, I wave worked with and still do work with many who never take the blame, the blame is always place on someone or something else. I have the same exact conversations that I have with my nephew with adults, ask a yes or no questions get a five minute dissertation on why they did not or could not or would not, but the same theme runs through it all, it is never, under any circumstances there fault. Funny how that works, with so many perfect adults in the world one must wonder how we ever got so screwed up.

The challenge before us is one of paramount responsibility, in a world were the Nanny State is on the rise, and were the populous wants and expects the government to take care of them from birth to death we are entering in to a world of no responsibility. We are entering a unprecedented time in American History, it is a defining moment for us, as our President (Mr. Obama) likes to keep telling us, and he is correct! The defining moment is now, and it is all about responsibility, our own personal responsibility. We have to decide if we want to keep passing our responsibility to the government or do we want to keep it for ourselves. Do we want to be truly free (keeping our own personal responsibility) or do we want to be slaves (giving all our responsibility to the government).

Personal responsibility is walking towards a slow death, so far it has been an uphill walk, but we are now at the top of the hill, and what we choose to do at this moment in our history will determine the direction and speed of our walk. If we choose to continue to negate our personal responsibilities we will run, not walk down the back side of the hill in to slavery to the government, but if we choose at this pivotal time in our history to turn back towards they way we came from, if we choose to re-accept our personal responsibilities, that we can start our slow, responsible walk back down the front side of the hill towards our personal freedoms once again.

We have a choice to make, it is our responsibility to make the correct choice, not only for our today’s but also for our children’s children’s tomorrows.

Paul